Subject: trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. You
are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old
T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis
shoes with a toe sticking through one of them.
Right in the middle of this project you realize you need to run to
Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry
your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check
yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne
because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while
standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl
running the register.
In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash
your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got
it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute
girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to
In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long
enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on
different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute
Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip
to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in
than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your
daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off
your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get
dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you
swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you
think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from
your buddy's bait shop and it says, 'I Got Worms'.
In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose
off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out
the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but
you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until
they have your prescriptions ready at Walgreens. Don't' even notice
the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at
you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember that you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Home Depot
and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart
out loud and you think someone called out your name. You give up and
go back home with a gallon of antifreeze - in July.