I sat there and listened to the consultant telling us the very bad news. He told my wife that there was nothing more that could be done and asked her where she wanted to die. He was very matter of fact about this, but it was his job. I doubt that I could have said the same words.
Solicitations
When the consultant told step daughter (+ her Mum, step sister and her own daughter) that it was cancer, chemo wasn't an option and it was then a matter of months, they all cried (inc the consultant).
Turned out to be 'a month'.
Cheers, T i m
p.s. The fact that it was actually cancer was first broached to the step daughter by a reception in the hospital. They were where they should have been at the time they were told but to see someone who didn't generally work at that time. 'Is it cancer' he asked (checking they were in the right department). ;-(
At that point the doctor went into the kitchen to answer her phone. Hil whispered to me, "It must be terrible for her to have to break news like that." Later she said, "It's rather strange to be sentenced to death." Over the following few weeks she kept looking at me and crying, because she knew how I was going to suffer, and she knew she wouldn't be there to console me.
I have cried for long periods every day for the last 27 days.
Bill
As I'm further along this nightmarish path than you, I might be able to help in a small way. Please don't hesitate if you want to chat.
Bill
So sad for you both.
Cheers Bill. Lynn died 17 months ago and I'm slowly getting over it. I now try not to think about it too much. I know that everybody says that you will get over it, but you will. Time does heal.
One of the problems is that much like police seem hard so can medics. Often though, they can seem impartial and unaffected but it hits them later on, its a bit like the effect found in many soldiers who were at Dunkirk like my late father, who would never talk about what he saw there. I'm sorry to hear the news, but I guess in the end, we all have to die. Its often not that which is the issue, but the manner of it I think. Brian
Sounds like my Mrs for her daughter so I have witnessed the pain, even if I don't feel it so strongly myself. And it's not just the obvious stuff, it's all the little bits in between.
I wonder if the women in these relationships suffer as much as the men at such times, as it's often us that go first?
I ask because my Mum didn't seem to mourn that much for my Dad (well, not in our company), even though they were happily married for a good few years and did lots of stuff together.
She had a clear out of all his clothes after about 6 months and we think the reason it wasn't sooner was more for what others might think than for herself.
It also seems that they are often more able to carry on with 'normal lives' lives, easier than many of us?
My Dad died about 6 years ago now (suddenly and not from what he was 'ill' from) and I still get caught out by the little things, like when using his (now 'my' etc) tools as that's how I still consider them.
I didn't go to his funeral either ... not because I didn't like him, quite the opposite but because I wasn't sure how that might affect me and then it would be something I would have to live with for ever.
However ... whilst you will never forget (nor want to) it does get easier in time.
It's 6 months for us and my step-daughter and I would say there are now more good days than bad (for my Mrs).
Walking the dog(s), talking to people (and realising how many people are in a similar boat), keeping busy and trying to stay strong for the rest of the family have helped us though it ... that and there is now a 16yr old who needs love, support and continuity in her life and other family members who are also having to deal with it themselves.
Cheers, T i m
p.s. We picked up a small table from an eBayer recently who had lost 7 people (including his last parent) in as many weeks. He cried twice in the small time we were there (setting us off), especially when we got onto the subject (because of step daughter).
His councilor felt he would be 'ok' and without any immediate / further counseling because he 'could talk about it'.
My wife trained as a speech and language therapist, and she works with people who have had strokes or other brain injuries. Her approach is that her job is to help people, not to be sorry for them. Otherwise, it would be impossible for her to function.
My mother appeared the same when my stepdad died although she had been preparing for the expected event for a while and he had just reached 90, Sister was staying at the time . They got a bit tipsy while reminiscing and next day cleared his wardrobes either to the tip or a charity shop.
I have wondered if her apparent hard and matter of fact attitude was conditioned by events 60 years before when as a young woman in her twenties she watched her Husband and Mother both deteriorate and then die from cancer in the same hospital sometimes visiting them in separate wards on same trip to the hospital .Dad went first Gran a few weeks later.
Knowing that she had got through that and eventually coming through perhaps helped.
GH
I think some things can just remind you of the person (bringing back uncomfortable memories) and other more important things bringing back the happier memories. Clothes v holiday souvenirs etc?
Maybe. I know both Mum and Dad have seen many of their friends going, making it slightly more 'routine'.
I think the way people deal with things under such circumstances can be a function of how you look at 'life'. Like, once my Dad had died (or Uncle or Step daughter) ... they had gone ... my apatheia told me there was nothing I could have done about it and saw the remains as just a husk etc. We are but just a re-assignment of ancient atoms that happen to spend some years as part of a 'human'. ;-)
But, we live on in the memories of those who knew and especially cared for us and may leave things behind that others will see / use that will also remind them of us and what we did / enjoyed whilst we were here (like my Dads carpentry tools or boats / boat equipment).
The difficult bit can be what to do with those things you know *they* held precious but have no use / value to anyone else.
Cheers, T i m
That fell to me a few years later after my stepfather died an mother decided living in a farmhouse alone even though she got some income from renting the land was too much as entered her eighties and sold it. It wasn?t just (step) Dads things to sort but much of but his fathers,mothers, grandfathers belongings, books etc going back to the 19th century including many photos of long passed people who we did not have any idea of who they were that built up since the house had been built in
1890.Some tools were kept my my brother and I but most would have been a duplicate of what we already possessed so most went into the scrap pile with lots of other metal. The books and photos and other ephemera went into a bonfire , I felt a bit awful burning a book given as school prize in the 1920?s but knew no one who would be interested in a book for boys that had about a dozen projects such as building a rabbit hutch, bird table etc.GH
back
Amen to that. My late wife was very talented, had lots of creative interests and accumulated lots of 'stuff' throughout her life. I think her need to 'collect' came from her experiences in early childhood. In
1942, when she was three, she and her mother were evacuated to Australia from Singapore just before the Japs captured it (her father was interned in Changi but survived). They were refugees for three years until the end of the war, and although they led a fairly normal existence (nothing like the refugee camps seen today on the news, for example), they had very little of their own. In particular, my wife had very few toys, unlike all the children of her age that she played with, who had lots of toys.I was very much in shock in those early weeks. Because we were half way through a protracted house move when she died, all her clothes were packed up and I just took bags and bags to charity, together with all her art books, dozens of them. She loved horses, and a local horse welfare charity benefited from most of it.
But I'm slowly moving up the 'grief scale', as I put it, working through her increasingly-personal things. Every time I give stuff away it destroys me. I feel I lose a little bit more of her every time things go. Fortunately I have a large loft, and there's no hurry, so I can leave things up there for years if necessary.
Naturally I commiserate you for your loss.
Without knowing the nature of your relationship have you ever thought what your wife might say to all this were she still alive ? Would she want you to be upsetting yourself over this in this way or would she want you to try and "move on" as best you can ? As maybe your wife had to do in her life, following the deaths of her parents etc.
Maybe you think you'd be betraying her memory by throwing away things that were dear to her - but maybe the opposite is the case. If she was at all a practical person she may well have realised that things which were precious to her might in fact be of no possible use to anyone else. And so she wouldn't expect you to keep hold of them on that account.
You clearly have fond memories of your life with wife when many people don't even have that. If its the case that there are some particular things which you remember which you'd like to see again to trigger off other memories then fair enough. But if you don't actually remeber any such momentoes then it may be a bad idea to deliberately go looking for them.
But otherwise would your wife really want to you to go on upsetting yourself in her memory ?
My advice would to be to get someone in. Again a charity ideally. Otherwise it can come as a shock just how little a persons most "treasured possessions" may actually be worth in terms of cold hard cash. These things were just "things" before they came into your wife's possession. After they've been cleared they'll simply become "things" again and may agian take on a life of their own if they're of any practical or aesthetic value. When they'll become part of someone else's lfe instead.
michael adams
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My wife and I talk about what will happen "when one of us dies". Of course, really, she means when I die first, as she's in much better shape. However, we do discuss these things, and we've both suggested that the other remarries.
My wife and I had a similar conversation a year or so before she died. I'm all in favour of remarrying. Unfortunately the prospective ladies of my general age that I find attractive seem to wish to remain independent. I've come to the conclusion it's a hormonal thing. A woman can do anything a man can do apart from fathering children. She needs a man to help with that. So when she's young and nubile and wants to have children, she's open to suitors. But when she's gone through the menopause and can no longer have children, she no longer needs a man for anything. Her hormones no longer drive her in that direction and she revels in her independence.
:-) or :-( as appropriate, and not entirely serious!
You make some valid points, and I thank you.
We were together for forty years. It was a wonderful and very happy marriage, with never a cross word between us in all that time. But we married late, and never had, never wanted, children, so I'm on my own, although I have some good friends.
When my mother died, almost exactly four years ago, my wife helped me to clear out her things. Like my wife, my mother was very talented and had lots of things that I was reluctant to get rid of. But my wife was very sensible and hard-nosed about all of it. She said that my mother did all the things she did for her own pleasure and interest, not to be remembered by or to pass on. It helped a lot, and much of my mother's stuff that was of no value or use to anyone else was just bagged up and taken to the dump (sorry - recycle). I'm trying to take a similar attitude to my wife's things, and it does help.
But it is a slow process. I shall get there eventually, and have much to do to distract me in the mean time. It's just a matter of taking it slowly, as emotions and memories allow.
Is there a partcular reason for having to remarry rather than just living with the person you love or care about. As I have 2 friends that would normally be considered married but they have been what used to be called living in sin for the past 28 years and have no intention of marrying each other or anyone else. I know a number of couple that have all been together longer than 15 years, but none have any children by choice. I do think that perhaps marrying is best when a couple have children. Although I did have a grilfriend who said that she wanted to marry (not me) and that she wanted children but she didn't want her husband to be the father of her children becuase that would give him power over her..... but she was French so it sort of made sense.
I would have thought the husband would be more likely to neglect the children, like a lion joining a pride and killing the cubs of the previous male.
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