funeral arrangements ( DIY) possibly off topic

[aprilswee...]

My OH and I have very different ideas about funerals. I want to be buried in a churchyard ( my family are a graveyard type family). My OH have always been burners.

The other day ( after watching TV adverts or listening to some radio programme about funerals I think) he told me that funeral costs were very expensive and indicated that if I die before him he will opt for the plainest, simplest funeral/ cremation he can get to "Save money" We dont need to save money is the first point here. I have money of my own from my aunt as an inheritance anyway. Thats in addition to working for 40 odd years and having some money from that although that always ended up in the joint money pot ( big mistake as OH thinks he earned all that money, not me). He is something of a miser.

I dont want a paupers funeral. I dont want a paupers grave. I can afford better. Is there any way I can ensure he doesnt send me off to a paupers grave or worse, burn me to save money?

I know people ignore wills. Many have been sidestepped in my family and my OH's. Burned, lost, and plain ignored. Is there a way I can make sure I just get a decent burial when I am gone from this life?

I know its a contentious issue. I wont engage in the whys and wherefores of peoples ideas on disposing of bodies after death. The question is simple for me.

[Andy Burns]

My dad and I together chose a cardboard coffin and cremation for mum, and given he was happy with that (it does at least pretend to look like wood) I chose the same for him, a fairly basic funeral with hearse plus one car, pall bearers, a service sheet and a celebrant about £4k in both cases

Put it in your will, and name someone you trust to carry out your wishes as your executor?

Pre-pay your own funeral?

[Jock]

Divorce him

Kill him

Grab half the savings and run

See above.

[Jock]

She said she doesnt want that in the next sentence.

He can just ignore the will unless you pick an executor who will force it to be carried out.

[aprilswee...]

I know some people think 4K is a lot of money. I dont. I have more than that available. After all, it is my money. I have no real desire to see it left to people who will probably holiday on it. I have never had a holiday as it was always deemed to "Cost too much". I wont have one now as life has changed post covid.

They can have whats left - a large sum as well as a house . My OH is next of kin but clearly he isnt to be trusted.

[John Rumm]

Decide what you want, arrange it and pay for it now, then leave detailed instructions. Put it in the will, and chose trustworthy executors.

[Tim Lamb]

April. Ultimate carcase disposal must be close to the minds of many in here. My own thoughts are to cause as little trouble as possible and to avoid burdening my descendants. Graves require maintenance!

There may be some comfort in creating a permanent memorial but realistically your lifetime achievements are more important.

My parents generation have all been cremated and their ashes scattered either where they wanted or where it was thought they were once at their happiest.

[Pancho]

Ask him to surprise you. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

[charles]

My in-laws both had a church funeral service, then the bodies were cremated. The ashes were buried in their church grounds. So, you can have both ideas happening

[NY]

As in the wonderfully funny and yet moving "Lost For Words"

(first quote) - Annie was played by none other than Thora Hird.

[aprilswee...]

What lifetime achievements? I found out recently, when I retired , that anything I achieved in my life and career have been pretty non commendable , not even worth a line in the works magazine under " Leavers and Retirement." Here today, forgotten as soon as you walk out the door.

I have money enough to maintain a grave if that is needed also. After all, if I am worth whatever I leave behind, surely they shouldnt begrudge a few quid to see me laid to rest as I wish. They can galavant on the rest ( plenty left for that I would imagine). My aunt left me a decent inheritance gained by not being profligate and saving . All she asked was that her wishes onto death be followed. I did that. My mum has left her instructions. I will follow them. Me though, I have to have a bunch of cheap skate untrustables around me. It will cost more just to ensure I am put to rest decently.

Not all of us believe in nothing and leaving everything to those who would gad the night away when we are gone. I didnt pick my relatives well I fear.

[Bev]

and if you are having difficulty in finding someone trustworthy (who will not be manipulated by others) then banks or solicitors will act as executors. Not cheap but they will do precisely as they are instructed in a Will.

[Owain Lastname]

That's about it. Also, put in the Will that any costs for any other type of funeral are not to be paid from estate funds (that may not be legally enforceable), or if they are, they are to come out of husband's share of the estate.

Owain

[Tim Streater]

This is IMO the best advice. And if you go to a solicitors, ensure that they understand you don't want to be contacted by phone at home or by mail. If you have a mobile give them that number. That way you can keep your actions in the matter to yourself.

Not sure why everyone is saying what *they* intend to do. Seems to me sweetheart is asking for advice as to how to achieve what *she* wants to do.

[Colin Bignell]

+!

However, remember that, these days, a burial plot is normally not yours forever. What you buy is a right to exclusive use for a set period, usually between 50 and 100 years. After that time, notices will be posted on the headstone and, if known, sent to the holder of the right, asking if the right is to be renewed, for a payment. If not, the body will not be disturbed, but the headstone may be removed and another body buried in the same plot.

[aprilswee...]

My OH's mother and father have a niche for their ashes in the local crem. That has to be paid for every 13 years . I paid for it the last time as OH's sisters didnt want to do it. Thats a lot shorter than being put in the ground . I dont recall anyone saying my dads grave would be shifted to one side if mum didnt pay at any future point. he is in the local churchyard. My mum is to be placed on top of him when she goes. Again I am not aware of any restriction on time here.

I would like to go to the local parish churchyard too. Is asking for a Christian burial too much for the church now as well these days?

[Robin]

As others have said, starting point is to express your wish in your will and appoint an executor you trust to honour your wishes. Then consider arrangements to make sure your executor is informed promptly.

But to play safe you could include in your will a gift to your husband which is conditional on your burial. And make clear to him in advance that if you burn his money goes up in the smoke.

[Colin Bignell]

My parents' ashes were scattered in a memorial garden at the crematorium. That makes it difficult for them to ask me to keep paying. They can hardly sweep them up if i don't. Memorial plaques are, however, only hired for a few years at a time.

. I dont recall anyone saying my dads grave would be shifted to one side if mum didnt pay at any future point. he is in the local churchyard. My mum is to be placed on top of him when she goes. Again I am not aware of any restriction on time here.

The best thing to do is to ask a funeral director. They can tell you about pre-payment plans and advise you about how long the plot is yours. It may be different in a churchyard to the Council run cemeteries around here. If you have a branch of Dillistone near you, I can recommend them from personal experience.

[charles]

What might be too much for your local chuch is that their space is full. A few years ago, I attended a service to make the "consecrated ground" a bit larger. There was room to do this, but here might not be at some churches in towns. And, as I said earlier, it is quite possible to bury ashes in a churchyard. They don't have to stay at the crematorium.

[Pancho]

OK, I thought it was Bob Hope's last words, but this seems to predate Bob's demise.