Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri,
Illinois, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota; those states'
Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an
effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list
will be handed to each driver entering the state:
0. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
1. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because
I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
2. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
3. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you whipped... by our women.
4. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
little trout you fish for.... bait.
5. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.
7. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you paid in the airport for one drink.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey.
9. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.
10. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends.
We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that
we use two weeks a year.
11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp and turtle too. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it? The highway you came in on will also take you home.
15. Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstates 29 & 35 go the other
two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves... It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water
hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot...his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
20. Now, enjoy your visit and go home.
There are no socks in my email address.
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati"
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