Heaviest Element Discovered
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science - Governmentium. It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
sub-particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected,
however, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in
seconds and slow it to the point where it takes days.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years. It doesn't decay but
"reorganizes," a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons
change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion
some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.
This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that
Governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration,
forming critical morass. Researchers believe that in Governmentium, the
more you reorganize, the morass you cover.