Now we can relax!
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new study released today indicates tha
t Americans are safe from the threat of gun violence except in schools, mal
ls, airports, movie theatres, workplaces, streets, and their own homes.
Also: highways, turnpikes, libraries, places of worship, parks, universitie
s, restaurants, post offices, and cars.
Plus: driveways, garages, gyms, stores, military bases—and a host of othe
r buildings, structures, and sites.
National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre applauded the study, sayin
g that it reinforced his organization’s long-held position that the Unite
d States does not need additional gun laws. “This study makes it abundant
ly clear that Americans are in no danger of gun violence except in these is
olated four hundred and thirteen places,” he said.
He added that he hoped that the study would spark a conversation “about t
he root cause of mass shootings: people who recklessly show up at places wh
ere they could be shot at.”
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