Building An Ark
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Florida, and said, "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
The Lord gave Noah the blueprints saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.
"Noah," the Lord roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark I commanded you to build?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I had to get a building permit. Then, I've been arguing with the building code inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My home owner's association claims that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Zoning Appeal Board for a resolution."
"Then the Public Service Commission demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving the power lines, the telephone lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the way for the Ark's passage to the ocean," Noah continued. "I argued that the ocean would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees in order to protect and save the Red-Cockaded Woodpecker. I tried to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife and the Sierra Club environmentalist that I need the wood to save the woodpeckers. But it was no go!"
"Lord, when I started gathering the animals according to your instructions, I got sued by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will."
"Then the Humane Society sued. They argued that the Ark was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"The Environmental Protection Agency stepped in and said I could not build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my Ark building."
"Then, the United Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners of America trade union said I can't use my sons to help me build the Ark. They insist I can only hire union journeymen carpenters with Ark building experience."
"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country without paying my taxes."
"The IRS brought in the Immigration and Naturalization folks to check my visa and passport."
"So, forgive me Lord, but with all the reviews, permits, documents, law suits and stuff it will take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark!"
Suddenly the skies cleared, and the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Lord, you mean you 're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord, "the Government beat me to it!"