OT - Humour: Tool definitions - long

[Phil Hansen]

Does have some woodworking tools.

1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

1. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."

2. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

1. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

2. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

1. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

2. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

1. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

2. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

1. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

2. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
3. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

1. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

2. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

1. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

2. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

1. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in, and rounds them off.

2. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

1. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

2. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

1. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

2. BELT SANDER: tool for introducing deep and randomly positioned marks into the expensive piece of hardwood you spent most of the previous day machining.

1. THICKNESSING PLANER: tool for removing belt sander marks from expensive hardwoods, usually leaving them 3-4mm too thin to be of any practical use.

2. PHONE: tool for calling suppliers to make sure that you bought the last piece of expensive hardwood in the country.

1. SPRAY GLUE GUN: Mainly used to attach wood veneer effect laminate to MDF in an attempt to make it look like a piece of expensive hardwood.

2. LAMINATE TRIMMER: High speed rotary tool used for removing parts of knuckles whilst simultaneously chewing up the edge of previously laminated MDF boards.

1. SKIP: Large device used to ensure nobody else knows about any of the above.

[squarei4dtoolguy]

Here in Kentucky, Vice Grips Are a standard replacement part for doors in Ye Olde Truck. Replaces; Window crank handles, Lock knobs, Latch handles and when the latch completely falls out, Tie a piece of rope or leather belt to the door and use the Vice Grips to attach the other end to the seat or the dash or a concrete block that you know will not roll around and dump your kids out on the road when you make a left turn. The Vice Grips are much quicker to release than trying to untie that Boy Scout knot when your carburetor catches fire. It's a matter of safety. Practicing safe gripping everywhere.

[Swingman]

I once rode around in an old potato chip van (Louisiana tags) that used a single pair of vice-grips to gain entry, then for a gear shift, then, upon stopping, to open the door(s), or to open the hood. It also had two full sized couches (the kind you see folks put on the side of the road in hopes someone will pick it up) for passengers comfort. My youngest daughter, about

3 at the time, upon stepping into said conveyance for the first time, made one of those remarks that become family lore - "Look Daddy, a furniture store!".

[Greg G]

And don't forget wrangling those blasted rods into proper position when the bushings wear out on the three-on-the-tree shifter...

For pounding on the intermittent starter relay...

And as a temporary (?) battery terminal clamp to replace those that are corroded beyond recognition.

Greg G.

[Olebiker]

Son, it isn't just Kentucky. My old boss here in Florida used to have an old van that used a pair of Vise Grips as replacement interior door handles. The van was old and the Vise Grips were cheaper than replacement handles.

I was born in Sunfish, Kentucky so I know all about jury rigging things when you are too poor to afford to do otherwise. I remember my Dad stringing a wire from the house out to the tree in the front yard every Saturday evening so we could get the Grand Ol' Opry radio broadcast from Nashville. He used to tell people we lived so far back in the woods that we didn't get the Opry until Tuesday night.

I remember my parents' dismay when more and more of the Sears Roebuck catalogue included slick paper that we could not use as toilet paper in our two-holer outhouse. When Dad built that outhouse he didn't own a saw that would allow him to cut out a circle for the holes. He bored a series of connecting holes in a circle to create the opening. When you stood up you had a scalloped edge around your butt.

Dick Durbin

[squarei4dtoolguy]

I have bought about 100 Vice grips over the years. Don't have a pair to my name right now. They are spread all over this area of the country in vehicles I used to own. Jeep Cherokees (the old Tonka looking ones), a Dodge Ramcharger, a couple of Chevy p-ups, a couple of Ford p-ups (very familiar with rigging the 3 speed shift rods), an Elcamino, etc.

I was born in Calhoun, Kentucky. The Green River runs through so I also have first-hand knowledge that Vice Grips work equally as well on boats,,, and other floating crap-oops! CRAFT.

Tom in KY wishing for a new pair of Vice Grips right now.

[LRod]

[all snipped]

Geez. The original by Peter Egan that appeared in Road & Track in April '96 was much better.

[Olebiker]

I much prefer the real original that was published in about 1902 in Collier's. Or was it the Police Gazette?

[nospambob]