Dunno why, but this stuff just cracks me up. I'm sure there are a few
here who will enjoy this:
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full
moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east
and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful
screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by
John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was
flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck
for the first of several screaming contests."
Federal Way, WA
The winner of 2009 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is David McKenzie, a
55-year-old Quality Systems consultant and writer from Federal Way,
Washington. A contest recidivist, he has formerly won the Western and
Children's Literature categories.
David McKenzie is the 27th grand prize winner of the contest that
began at San Jose State University in 1982.
An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the
memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George
Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly
simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to
imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of
Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times,
originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and
phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-
Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words
that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark
and stormy night."
Most entries are submitted electronically through the Contest's Web
site: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com /.
Amonst them a few of my favourites:
The wind dry-shaved the cracked earth like a dull razor--the double
edge kind from the plastic bag that you shouldn't use more than twice,
but you do; but Trevor Earp had to face it as he started the second
morning of his hopeless search for Drover, the Irish Wolfhound he had
found as a pup near death from a fight with a prairie dog and nursed
back to health, stolen by a traveling circus so that the monkey would
have something to ride.
and this gem/masterpiece:
In a flurry of flame and fur, fangs and wicker, thus ended the world's
first and only hot air baboon ride.
Los Angeles, CA
Sometimes I laugh so hard it hurts....enjoy!