IKEA Gibberish

[The Medway Handyman]

Hi All

Got dragged to IKEA tonight by SWIMBO after work to buy a cooker hood. Asked juvenile imbecile x 3 if it could be exhausted via wall or was it necessary to go through ceiling void?

Due to conflicting answers, took display model apart & found it could indeed be exhausted through wall. News to juvenile imbeciles.

Stood in line for 25 mins due to unmanned checkouts, drove 1 mile to collection point on other side of retail park. Waited 20 mins.

Arrived home at 9:45pm. Consumed several beers.

Unpacked hood, read instructions;

"The hood has an upper air duct B1 and an optional rear air duct B" (no it doesn't) for external fume exit. Select the suitable air duct and apply the flange C supplied, ensure to close the unused air duct with tap D supplied if provided".

"Caution! In some models the rear hole duct is not easily accessible, even when the tap D (if mounted) is removed".

It was also covered in tape warning against inserting your fingers into the fan blades if they were switched on and rotating.

I'm leaving it till the weekend.

Why oh why, can't they communicate in plain bloody English???

I still reckon we should take military action.....................

[The3rd Earl Of Derby]

The man who makes it doesn't want it. The Man who sells it doesn't want it. The man who buys it doesn't want it. The man who gets it doesn't know he's got it.

[Weatherlawyer]

She who is my big other?

[nightjar]

Optional usually means you need to buy it separately.

Colin Bignell

[marvelus]

The ducting always is sold seperately with cooker hoods.

[Peter Twydell]

She Who *Instantly* Must Be Obeyed?

[Cicero]

============================= I wonder what these '.....juvenile imbeciles......' think of elderly hen-pecked men who take out their frustrations on young people who who have been working all day trying to help to customers.

Cic.

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[Ron Lowe]

Not always. SWMBO went and bought one on-line, and it arrived complete with vent kit included.

Only trouble was, she was seduced by the super-high extraction rates and very low noise. ( this was to replace a feeble, screeching old thing. ) Upon inspection, the reason it had such good performance was a massive slow-running fan, and a duct almost 200mm in diameter! ( the old one was something like 100 or 110mm ) Our local hire shops only go up to 150mm in core drills. What was to be a simple swap turned into a weekend's work with a hilti drill and cold chisel to form the blasted hole big enough for the vent kit, and then making good afterwards. All done to the background sounds of " But cant you just swap one for the other?" "How long will it take?" "Do you really need to make a big hole in the wall?" "You're not going to make a mess in my kitchen, are you?" etc etc. Grrr...

[Peter Lynch]

Someone Who Is My Beer Opener?

[Roger R]

When an item is sold out the notice describes the situation as: 'Temporarily Oversold'

Can something be oversold? (as distinct from double booked) Why don't they just say Sold Out. There seems something about the oversold word that shifts the blame to the consumer rather than it being a supply side failure.

Roger

[Mike Barnes]

"Where's that cold draught coming from?"

[Mary Fisher]

That'll teach you to stand up for yourself and not be dragged against your will!

Mary

[Andy Hall]

Marketeer-speak.

It means that they have an order backlog. This is a nice position for the supplier because it allows earlier measurement of demand and possibly improved cash flow.

Arguably it also communicates that something will be available again, whereas sold out can mean that it will never be available again.

The supply side "failure" is that they under-forecasted demand.

Even so, I don't think it apportions blame to anybody.

[Andy Hall]

How well do you communicate in Swedish or Italian? The language doesn't seem to be as curious or precious as some I've read.

I guess that IKEA operates in at least 30 countries and has almost as many languages to contend with - hence the instructions with pictures and use of as little text as possible, often safety and warning notices only. This is helpful for Matalan customers as well :-)

I've just been looking through installation instructions for taps (HansGrohe) and toilet pan mounting frames (Grohe). Both companies supply step by step instructions in picture form with dimensions where needed. In some cases there are multiple options of how the installation can be done depending on what one wants to achieve. The pictures are very carefully orgnanised for cases where one can either do option A followed by B or C followed by D but not A followed by D etc. It takes some time of careful studying to work it all out - there is little text at all - but the information is all there. Goods of German origin tend to have this type of instruction material very well done.

I suppose that intended audience matters as well, and IKEA's suppliers could have done a better job of the instructions. Is there inofrmation on where the hood was made? Most tend to come from Italy, but IKEA may be sourcing elsewhere. IME, products coming from latin language countries often don't have quite such good written English instructions. Usually they are not confusing but do take some working out. Hopefully it's made up for in other ways such as in the design appeal.

Wasn't Matalan enough for one week? Surely LIDL would be a better next military target...... ;-)

Perhaps we could call it "retail cleansing"

OTOH, I suppose that the enforced promenade past all of IKEA's wares is deserving of some "correctional attention" Even so, they seem to have got something right - I wouldn't mind a small portion of Ingvar Kamprad's wealth.

Perhaps we should just get Kofi Annan involved. He seems to be exceptionally skilled at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

[Mike Dodd]

Nope. It's just that if we stand up against you bloody women, you'll finally drop the subject, then bring it up again later down the line when we least expect it. At least if we act as the under-dog class and satisfy your whims then there are fewer surprises lurking for us years down the line. It's easier this way.

(looking forward to the first year anniversary)

Mike

[Mary Fisher]

Ah, the easy way out, that's a man :-)

Heavens! Are you a man or a mouse?

Don't squeak too loudly! You'll learn.

I'm looking forward to the 47th - just hope we'll get there ... it's been well worth it.

Mary

[Huge]

I always go in the exit and walk throught the checkout. No-one's ever said anything.

[Bernie The Bolt]

Not even when you walk out of the entrance with the goods?

Bernie The Bolt

[lairdy]

Yebbut you're not called "Huge" for nothing, are you ?

There are usually a couple of short-cuts in the(*) store, and last time I was in I think these were actually signposted. I also observed opening hours are extended to midnight, so relative peace should be achievable from about 23:30 onwards. I used to aim to arrive at half 7 for 8 o'clock closing. Any earlier and my sanity was at serious risk.

(*) One basic floor-plan for all stores, someone once claimed.

[Huge]

Well, I've lost a few pounds lately, but I'm still 6'3".

Based on Hampton Court maze?