How to annoy the entire street

[Arthur Conan Doyle]

Something along the lines of MWF - no parking one one side of the street. TTS no parking on the other side. Trash pickup scheduled accordingly.

[Commander Kinsey]

Oh my god! That is the craziest law ever. So basically people get done for being a bit forgetful. If they're going to do that, at least keep it to the same side!

[Commander Kinsey]

Yip, nowadays they're lazy like everyone else. Mechanised bin lifting for goodness sake. When I were a lad, my English teacher predicted that in the future we would all evolve to have no limbs, as everything would be done for us. We're getting that way....

[Commander Kinsey]

How did anybody breathe? It's bad enough here with one neighbour who has a wood burning stove. I'm currently in a dispute to get the council to have it removed.

[Commander Kinsey]

So if you don't use your car for a few days you have to keep moving it! Insanity! They really haven't thought that through.

[NY]

Our garden waste wheelie bin, full of shredded tree branches and leaves, is very heavy. I wouldn't be able to lift it. Even wheeling it up steps (our patio has several different levels) takes a fair amount of force.

Recycling and general (landfill) wheelie bins don't tend to get packed as densely.

[Commander Kinsey]

Dogs are not all like your dog.

It means sounding an alarm so often nobody believes you. What do you think it means?

Are you allowed guns over there? I wish I had one to take out a few here.

[Commander Kinsey]

You always say that when you have no response, i.e. there is no opinion that could sensibly refute what I just said.

[NY]

If it's not in a smokeless zone, and if his house has a reasonably high chimney so the smoke spreads far and thinly, rather than remaining close to the house, then is there anything *legally* that he is doing wrong? You may not like the smoke, but that's a different matter.

It may be his main form of heating: if you force him to stop using it, he may have to go to considerable expense to change to another form of heating. I bet he really *loves* living next to you.

[NY]

Our next door neighbour has a black labrador. It seems to spend hours on end barking continuously as it runs around the garden. It does not seem to be barking at anything. It's not lonely because it does it when she is with it as well as when she's inside. Maybe it's saying "let me come inside; I don't like being outside".

[Commander Kinsey]

Funny how 30 years ago there were no wheelybins. The binmen lifted the bins onto their shoulder and tipped them into the cart.

Actually I find my general waste is the heavy one, when I put stuff like rocks and plasterboard in it. The garden waste is by its very nature mostly air.

[Commander Kinsey]

Bullshit. Every single house round here uses gas heating (except me, I installed a heat pump). He opted to change his to a wood burning stove so he could burn any old free shit he pinches from the local dump. I can smell the varnish and paint from it. In Scotland we have rules, you can't just shove smoke into someone else's window. He'd have to have a chimney twice the height of his house to stop it blowing directly into the open window of a neighbour.

He is diagonally behind me and he doesn't know it's me complaining.

[Commander Kinsey]

That's the trouble with dogs, they only have about three words. Not the brightest of animals.

What I find amusing is when my parrots imitate a neighbour's dog. This drives the dog insane as the parrot repeats it exactly. You could achieve the same effect by recording your neighbour's dog and playing it back through a large speaker in your garden. This would have the added effect of teaching your f****it of a neighbour not to pollute the air with noise.

[Commander Kinsey]

The cleverest thing a dog can do is fetch a ball. I don't think they're intelligent enough to get bored.

Unless it's been told off for removing the paint.

[Commander Kinsey]

Maybe your lot have all been to Crufts?

[Commander Kinsey]

If by selective you mean anything they consider a threat to them or their owner, then yes. Trouble is they think any noise or person walking past the house is as threat.

So a specific alarm directed only at the intruder. Who isn't an intruder as the pavement outside the house ain't the dog's property.

They make a noise. I can tell the difference between a foreigner saying two different words, but a dog just goes woof or whine.

Really? Like in America?

Of course you can, blast the metal box.

They have sights.

[Commander Kinsey]

I do, but I know of nobody else with it. It's not hot enough to warrant it.

[Commander Kinsey]

The Rod robot v2.0 has crashed again.

[Commander Kinsey]

And suddenly we produce twice the waste?

[Commander Kinsey]

Add flames to the feud if you wish, but I can do very nasty things to him.

So if you know which house is mine and his, tell me what colour car I own, and how many houses between his and the nearest path.