What is it with Sherwin-Williams Paints? First they
put up advertising posters featuring a lurid picture
of the globe with blood-red paint pouring from a can
labeled "SWP", spreading across the world like
Communist tentacles in a John Birch Society propaganda
piece, with the caption: "COVER THE WORLD". Nota bene:
SWP also stands for Socialist Workers Party...<throaty
Now they have some damn-fool radio ad offering people
paint "the color of your grandmother's face". I guess
this is intended to show their versatility, while
pandering to some treacly instinct supposed to exist
by their Wall Street ad wizards, who've spent so much
time jetting between their country houses, spa
manicurists, and banking-district high-rise offices
that they've lost all contact with the bourgeoisie (and
no doubt their gammies too; probably interned long
ago in expensive but remote nursing homes where their
endless complaints about the demise of the Merv Griffin
Show cannot be heard).
What if this bizarre offer were actually taken up?
Customer: Hello, I'd like a can of paint to match my
Clerk: To match your...ah...I see...hmmm...I'm not sure
what color that is, exactly.
Customer: Kind o' grayish-yaller with little red spots.
Clerk (hesitating): I'm not sure...may I ask what this
is to be used for? Perhaps then I
might have a better idea, you see...
Customer: I heard it in your radio ad. It's not for
anything -- it's an impulse purchase.
Clerk: Could you wait here just one moment please.
(Withdraws to back room)
Clerk (to supervisor in rear office): Call security.
Supervisor: Why? What is it?
Clerk: Some weirdo. I told him to wait at the counter.
Supervisor: Is he threatening?
Clerk: No, but --
Supervisor: Is he pocketing things?
Clerk: No, but he wants a can of paint "to match his
Clerk: Sir...he wants a can of paint to match his
Supervisor: I don't care if he wants a can of paint
to match his grandmother's feces -- you're
clerk, my boy: SELL him something!