After a sweaty day in the garden a shower is nice.
The missus and I nearly wet ourselves over this one, from the same
colleague that suggested I need classes.
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain about how you are getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet, and you lose
the cold water.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails
or tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake wiener at her making the "woohoo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the
mirror. Scratch your "privates".
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee in the shower.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom. If you see your wife on the way, shake
weiner at her while making the woohoo sound
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
22. Fart, scratch and go on about your day.