OT Humor: Understanding the Midwest

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A Message from the Rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it ... not just to keep up with the neighbors.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped ... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef' Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don'tlike it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 &55 go North & South. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot ... his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have corn to plant
--
Bob Schmall
Not one shred of evidence exists that life is serious.
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Bob
Dunno so much about the Californians, but you can certainly drop the Easteners. Your instructions for them are N/A. There is no "midwest". It is a proven fact that the world ends 100 miles west of the Atlantic ocean. Dragons lurk 80 miles west but the few brave ones that venture beyond that simply fall off the earth...proven fact!!! Was on TV!!!
That explains why they hug the coast and have created what I refer to as "the septic tank effect". They filled up the east coast of Florida and then proceeded to fill up S Carolina and are working on N Carolina as we speak. Pretty soon they'll be back to the top where they came from but doubt they'll ever figure out that the thing has to be cleaned from time to time. Their solution is to let it go to hell and then hire a lawyer to sue somebody.
So please get your facts right.

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snipped-for-privacy@optonline-removetoreply-.net says...

Tom, you're wrong about them letting it go to hell. They do it themselves. The first thing they do once they move to a new state is to start lobbying to have things changed to the way it was in the state they just left.
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On Thu, 01 Apr 2004 02:56:39 GMT, "Tom Kohlman"

I live in CT, 25 miles from Long Island Sound and 50 miles from the Atlantic Ocean (Long Giland for you New Jersey residents), and know Chicagoans that think of themselves as "Easterners". <G>
Chicago is a 1 1/2 hour commercial flight from here!
Barry
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On Thu, 01 Apr 2004 03:30:24 GMT, B a r r y

hell, I consider anyone east of the continental divide to be an easterner....
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On Wed, 31 Mar 2004 21:25:18 -0700, bridger wrote:

That'd be the Cascades...
-Doug
--
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw
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snipped-for-privacy@cox.net says...

That's the definition I use :-).
--
Where ARE those Iraqi WMDs?

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Sounds right to me! (misplaced Montanan)
Larry Blanchard wrote:

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That's fair. I consider anyone living west of the divide to be a Californian.
Thomas J. Watson-Cabinetmaker (ret) Real Email is: tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet Website: http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1
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Tom Watson writes:

California...went there in '72, February, right after that year's big earth shaking. Have felt no need whatsoever to return. Been back to the cost several times, but stay well north.
Charlie Self "The function of posterity is to look after itself." Dylan Thomas
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On 01 Apr 2004 13:26:52 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@aol.comnotforme (Charlie Self) wrote:

Passed through in the early '60s heading further west at the government's request and expense. Didn't leave anything in either place I want to go back for.
Tom Veatch Wichita, KS USA
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Tom Veatch writes:

Yeah. I passed through in the '50s and '60s, back in '60 for some schooling, all at GI expense, even got to camp out at Camp Pendleton for a bit over a month and Santa Ana for about the same. I really don't miss it.
Charlie Self "The function of posterity is to look after itself." Dylan Thomas
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bridger wrote:

Now I feel homesick again. A friend of mine from ND kept trying to tell me that I lived in the Mideast, not the Midwest. Dave in Fairfax
--
reply-to doesn't work
use:
daveldr at att dot net
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bridger wrote:

Hell, I consider anyone living in OR east of Pocatello and Easterner!
Philski
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Ever notice how people say "out west" or "back east" regardless of where they live? This is an eastern centric viewpoint and even westerners utter it when referring to the entire US. "I ordered a blurfl from back east" or "I live out west".
When I do the opposite and use "back west" or "out east" in my conversation it triggers the strangest looks from people.
Art
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Wood Butcher notes:

True. But think of the direction from which this country was settled. That's what seems to form people's thoughts, even long afterward.
Although I have yet to figure out Mainers' "down east".
Charlie Self "The function of posterity is to look after itself." Dylan Thomas
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On 02 Apr 2004 22:11:49 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@aol.comnotforme (Charlie Self) wrote:

" Many years ago, sailors hauling cargo to the northeast of New England, observed that the prevailing winds came from the southwest, pushing their schooners "downwind" in an easterly direction. Today, generally speaking, "Downeast" refers to Maine. More specifically though, to a Mainer, it refers to the southeastern part of the state beginning with Ellsworth , Maine, and including the Acadia National Park and Bar Harbor areas."
Thomas J. Watson - Cabinetmaker (ret.) (Real Email is tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet) http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1 /
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Tom Watson responds:

Fair enough. By the way, anyone who is in the area and doesn't go to Acadia National Park is missing an absolutely wonderful treat. My kid sister used to live in East Blue Hill and then in Surry, and Frances and I hit the park a time or 2 while visiting Donna. Get outta da damn car, though. Hike around the rocks at the shore.
Charlie Self "The function of posterity is to look after itself." Dylan Thomas
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On 02 Apr 2004 22:11:49 GMT, snipped-for-privacy@aol.comnotforme (Charlie Self) wrote:

When ships sailed from Boston to ports in Maine (which were to the east of Boston), the wind was at their backs, so they were sailing downwind, hence the term Down East. And it follows that when they returned to Boston they were sailing upwind; many Mainers still speak of going up to Boston, despite the fact that the city lies approximately fifty miles to the south of Maines southern border.
And now you know.
Cape Cod Bob Visit my web site at http://home.comcast.net/~bobmethelis
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It's understandable that _you're_ confused. There's a long and noble history of that, in that state. Going all the way back to when the first official survey was done. Idaho (and co-incidentally, Montana) was _supposed_ to be another of those 'big rectangular states' like Colorado, *BUT* the official surveyors for the Idaho-Montana boundary, working from south to North, *got* *lost* in the mountains without realizing it, and the trail of their trek is, as they say, 'history'. When they figured out they'd gotten lost, they _then_ ran straight north, which is why the "panhandle' does have a straight eastern edge. Unfortunately, it simply _wasn't_ possible to correct their survey error, because they'd been laying the official markers as they went.
It was _supposed_ to be Butte, _Idaho_. Some Idahoans think it was to Idaho's *advantage* that those surveyor's _did_ get lost. <grin>
Trivia -- do you know what the town of Burke was famous for?
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