OT: Humor

Page 2 of 3  
Dave Balderstone wrote:

He's afraid of ducks?
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk snipped-for-privacy@tundraware.com
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
wrote:

Dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Game ON:
The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy, did I have a rough night last night!!! I dreamt I was a muffler!
I woke up exhausted!
[Jokes like this really get me fuming.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I regret to inform you that one of the California Raisins died earlier today. Police are still looking for clues. So far, the only thing they know is that it was a cereal killer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was walking through the centre of town the other day when I came across a large crowd of people. I pushed through them and saw they were all looking at a thing that was half man and half horse, he was the centaur of attention.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absentmindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence with a proposition.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A group of archeologists go to Mexico to study the origins of the Zigguarats (pyramids) which the ancients left there. During the course of their investigations, they happened upon some strange markings along the base of one pyramid. Among themselves, they argued about the meaning of the markings, but were not able to agree. Finally, they gave it up for the night, and set up camp. Next to the pyramid they built a fire, so as to protect it from the wind.
During the night, weird things happened.....unexplained noises, objects moving around on their own, etc. The scientists were very nervous. As the night went on, they heaped more and more wood on their fire, trying to ward off whatever evil spirits might be about.
Finally, the flames grew very high. And finally, the evil spirits had had enough. They swooped down on the archaeologists and killed them! If only they had been able to decipher the inscription:
Ziggurat smoking is harmful to your health.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a three-legged dog moseyed into Dodge City, Kansas. He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck and a snarl on his lips.
Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful community, we don't want no trouble."
To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk snipped-for-privacy@tundraware.com
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Tim Daneliuk wrote:

Well I don't wanna ruin a good joke, but Karen Carpenter could PLAY the friggin' drums now! Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
ωIagAg7u5M
I've been playing for 35 years, and I couldn't do half the stuff she's doing in this video.
--
See Nad. See Nad go. Go Nad!
To reply, eat the taco.
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Steve Turner wrote:

Yeah, but can you play "Close To You"?????
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Daneliuk snipped-for-privacy@tundraware.com
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How 'bout them bell bottoms. I not only owned a pair of pants like that, I wore them!
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless.
;o)
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Elrond Hubbard wrote:

What does it mean when there is drool running out of both sides of the drummer's mouth?
The stage is level.
--
How do you get a guitarist to play quieter?

Put sheet music in front of them.
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

What's the difference between a puppy and a female vocalist?
Pat a puppy on the head and it quits whining.
--

-Mike-
snipped-for-privacy@windstream.net
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Elrond Hubbard wrote:

Ok, so I've been playing drums for about 38 years, and that's, lessee, about the 17th time I've heard that joke this year, so that makes makes about, uh (counts on fingers)... *twenty-seven thousand times* I've heard that joke! :-)
--
See Nad. See Nad go. Go Nad!
To reply, eat the taco.
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

Steve,
You've probably heard every drummer joke there is, but here's 3 more anyway.
How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth
How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? He doesn't know when to come in
What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality.
; )
diggerop, - who once tried to get into the drumming scene but my timing was poor.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
diggerop wrote:

From a bassist, who has spent a good part of his life standing in close proximity to drummers:
The best way to annoy a drummer? Start the gig on time.
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 10/22/08
  Click to see the full signature.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
Swingman wrote:

An explorer was traveling through deepest, darkest Africa with a native guide. Off in the distance he heard drums pounding. The explorer was visibly worried, so his guide told him, “There’s nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, then it's time to worry." Gradually the drums got louder, then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, the explorer asked his guide what would happen next. With a trembling voice, the guide answered, "bass solo".
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

Why did the drummer leave his sticks on the dashboard?
So he could park in the handicapped parking spot.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

Q - What do you throw to a drowing bass player?
A - His amp.
Tim Douglass
http://www.DouglassClan.com
"I'm not exactly burned out, but I'm a little bit scorched and there's some smoke damage."
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
A college woman dated a trumpeter and when she came back to the dorm, her roommate ask, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchre make him a great kisser?" The first woman replied, "Aw, that dry, tight, tiny little pucker, it was no fun at all."
The next night, she dated a tuba player and when she came back, her roommate asked her, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" she replied, "Those rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat! Oh, it was just gross!"
The next night, she dated a French horn player and when she came back, her roommate asked her, "Well, was his kissing any better?" "His kissing was just so-so," she replied, "but I loved the way he held me!"
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
What's a tuba for? 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
wrote:

Cher walks into a bar, the horse says, "what's with the long face?"
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
scrawled the following:

You meant to write "I'm a frayed knot.", didn't you? <sigh>
---------------------------------------------------- Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary ===================================================
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload
wrote:

Nope, I wrote it like I meant it and left the rest to the reader. <sigh back>
Add pictures here
βœ–
<% if( /^image/.test(type) ){ %>
<% } %>
<%-name%>
Add image file
Upload

Site Timeline

Related Threads

    HomeOwnersHub.com is a website for homeowners and building and maintenance pros. It is not affiliated with any of the manufacturers or service providers discussed here. All logos and trade names are the property of their respective owners.