OT-Bread

[Sandy]

On Thu, 20 May 2004 23:28:46 -0400, "Norman D. Crow" posted:

Which means I still don't get to read it.

My silly bloody ISP thinks that 97% of posts is good enough for anyone, and anyway they don't read UseNet, so WTF cares :(

[Norman D. Crow]

Well, I guess we could just throw you a *pity party*, but how about I cut'n'paste so you can see the whole thing?(Actually, I already saved it as a .doc)

BREAD

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

1. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

2. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole rations.

1. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

2. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

1. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

2. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

1. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

2. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

1. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

2. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

1. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

1. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

2. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

1. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

2. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Remember ~ Bread is just raw toast.

[George]

Woman who used to cook at our county jail had a different theory. She noticed that the state menu mandated vegetables generally came back to the garbage can. She was convinced that criminality was linked to not eating vegetables.

SNIP

[Swingman]

It could also be that cheap toilet paper they use in jails. According to google (so it's gotta be true) it's a statistical fact that the higher the grade of toilet paper used, the whiter the collar of the criminal.

[Bob Schmall]

25 pounds since Jan. 1, tandjooveddymud. Cholesterol is down to 57, but that's Lipitor-aided. Energy is up also. Occasionally I fall down for a while, but who said there wouldn't be a few risks?

Bob

[Bob Schmall]

In American life there can be no greater insult.

[Bob Schmall]

We may be confusing cause and effect here. And who noticed that "Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests" is technically incorrect? It should read "below the median."

Bob

[Swingman]

Mean, median, average ... machs nicht ... what you make on the bread, you lose on the toilet paper.

... or was that banana's and grapes?

[mttt]

Too bad more folks don't study Plato.

could nip this stuff in the bud!

[Robert E. Lewis]

That's because the criminals with the REALLY bad toilet paper are using their once-white collars to.... eeeww, never mind.

The post is a reworking of 'The Dread Tomato Addiction, by Mark Clifton, from the February 1958 issue of *Astounding* Science Fiction Magazine (now

*Analog*). It's reprinted in the *Analog Anthology #1,* Stanley Schmidt, ed. Dad kept a mimeographed copy of it from as far back as I can remember.

[David Hall]

The "median" is an average. Like most, I guess that you read "average" to indicate "mean", but there are many averages incliding mean, median, mode, etc. For purposes of this "study" the use of "average" to indicate "median" got across the intended obfuscation. (whew! that was too many quotation marks) Dave Hall

[Bay Area Dave]

Median: The middle value in a distribution, above and below which lie an equal number of values.

Mean: syn. for average

dave

David Hall wrote:

[John McCoy]

"Bob Schmall" wrote in news:S5nrc.33127$ [e-mail]:

The way standardized tests are designed, the two should be the same, if I'm not mistaken.

John

[Bob Schmall]

It is with inordiante pride that I accept one of Dave's most meaningful contributions to this group. Thank you, sir.

Bob

[Bob Schmall]

Dave: See BAD's post below.

Bob

[George]

Often reworked by "Dr Dean Edell" on carrot eaters and carcinoma.

[Bob Schmall]

That SHB "inordinate." Blush.

Bob

[Bay Area Dave]

:) [blushing...]

dave

Bob Schmall wrote:

[Tom Veatch]

Or "oxygen breathers".

Tom Veatch Wichita, KS USA