OT-Bread

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1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole rations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Remember ~ Bread is just raw toast.
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Bob Schmall posts:
A Modest Proposal.
Love it!
Charlie Self "Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen." Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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"Bob Schmall" wrote in message

Acutally, bread is rather innocuous when compared to the percentage of toilet paper users in your categories.
--
www.e-woodshop.net
Last update: 5/15/04
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You ever been to Alabama or Alaska? 'Nuf said.
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Bah. The _real_ outrage should be about DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide). The facts, that some people would prefer you not know, can be seen at:
http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html
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Toilet paper? What on earth is that?
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No shit??!!
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Swingman wrote:

Jus' thought I would throw that in fer size....
Philski
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Or "oxygen breathers".
Tom Veatch Wichita, KS USA
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It is obvious that you are a bread eater. ;~)
Art
"Bob Schmall" spewed forth ... <snip>

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Heehee. I'm went on the South Beach diet and gave up bread on Jan. 1. I'm officially bread free.
Bob

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wrote:

Remember one thing, Sarge - beer is nothing but liquid bread.
Regards, Tom.
Thomas J.Watson - Cabinetmaker (ret.) tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email) http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1
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Thanks for the insight, T.J. Regretably, I'm beer free as well.
Bob
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wrote:

The song starts off, "In heaven there is no beer..."
Damned poor advertisement for the place.
BTW - my condolences.
Regards, Tom.
Thomas J.Watson - Cabinetmaker (ret.) tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email) http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1
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wrote:

So, if you don't mind answering, how much weight have you lost on your diet?

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25 pounds since Jan. 1, tandjooveddymud. Cholesterol is down to 57, but that's Lipitor-aided. Energy is up also. Occasionally I fall down for a while, but who said there wouldn't be a few risks?
Bob
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"It's not a beer belly, it's a liquified grain byproducts storage system."
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brought forth from the murky depths:

I taught you was on de South Park diet, Bawb.
I dropped 20 lbs during a month on the Candida diet. Once I get the balls up for it again, I'll do it for another month and get back to my highschool weight. I miss milk and coffee the most. <sob, sniffle>

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<<It is obvious that you are a bread eater. ;~) >>
Man am I disappointed. I thought you were going to tell us which types of bread Norm consumed during the lunch breaks of the various NYW projects. <g>
Lee
--
To e-mail, replace "bucketofspam" with "dleegordon"



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Snip'o'rama of some great stuff.

Very very funny, definitely perked up my day.
However, this is the wreck and it is an OT post, so I feel obliged to make it more official and state that it is all Clinton's fault and the bread thing has been steadily getting better since the current regime took over.
It used to always end up with someone calling someone else a Nazi, but I guess accusing them of being a liberal or conservative will have to do :)
PK
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