New Woodworking product


MSN News Release, April 1, 2006:     The Scientific Wood Manufacturers Biology Organization announces the development of a genetically engineered product to alleviate the headaches that plague many woodworkers and carpenters. SWMBO released details on a new method of repairing wood damaged by carelessness or improper use of the "wrong tool at the wrong time" quipped managing chemist Ferris Manganate. This new product called "ReGrain" is a woodworkers version of Rogaine®- the medication that allows bald men to grow a new head of hair. "ReGrain does for a botched dovetail joint what Rogaine® did for Donald Trump" said Manganate as he ushered a panel of reporters into the SWMBO laboratories testing facility. "We had now produced a genetic band aid that works with the natural wood DNA (http://www.dnaftb.org/dnaftb /) to produce new fibers and pigments, exactly matching those cut by accident when so called 'wood butchers' take off too much while they try to 'sneak up' to the line." "ReGrain can also be used to make new wood but the cost per mole of wood (6.02 x 10 23 molecules) is so high that we only recommend it for repairing mistakes. ReGrain can also be used to restore wood stained by cat or dog urine, as is typically found on wood floors in pet owners houses." Manganate demonstrates in minutes how a cat urine stained floor board is restored to its original appearance and contrasts this with a less effective and longer procedure of sanding and sealing with polyurethane. "We have had many difficulties in the process of manufacturing ReGrain. Our first prototype which we called 'STRYPED', looked like it would be worthwhile, but its effect only lasted 6 days. A more difficult genetic sequence that we produced continually changes its genetic code and would be extremely unstable if we released it to the public." "Because of its constantly changing structure we refer to it as a number only, even we can't identify exactly what it is." At present, ReGrain can only be purchased from SWMBO but a major marketing approach is underway to provide it at participating Lowes and Home Depot stores that already have a pharmacy aisle.
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My sister-in-law is always calling my brother (who is losing his hair) a "blockhead". Maybe this stuff will work for him!
marc rosen wrote:

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I hope that you didn't put too much time into writing this. Keep the day job.
MSN News Release, April 1, 2006: The Scientific Wood Manufacturers Biology Organization announces the development of a genetically engineered product to alleviate the headaches that plague many woodworkers and carpenters. SWMBO released details on a new method of repairing wood damaged by carelessness or improper use of the "wrong tool at the wrong time" quipped managing chemist Ferris Manganate. This new product called "ReGrain" is a woodworkers version of Rogaine®- the medication that allows bald men to grow a new head of hair. "ReGrain does for a botched dovetail joint what Rogaine® did for Donald Trump" said Manganate as he ushered a panel of reporters into the SWMBO laboratories testing facility. "We had now produced a genetic band aid that works with the natural wood DNA (http://www.dnaftb.org/dnaftb /) to produce new fibers and pigments, exactly matching those cut by accident when so called 'wood butchers' take off too much while they try to 'sneak up' to the line." "ReGrain can also be used to make new wood but the cost per mole of wood (6.02 x 10 23 molecules) is so high that we only recommend it for repairing mistakes. ReGrain can also be used to restore wood stained by cat or dog urine, as is typically found on wood floors in pet owners houses." Manganate demonstrates in minutes how a cat urine stained floor board is restored to its original appearance and contrasts this with a less effective and longer procedure of sanding and sealing with polyurethane. "We have had many difficulties in the process of manufacturing ReGrain. Our first prototype which we called 'STRYPED', looked like it would be worthwhile, but its effect only lasted 6 days. A more difficult genetic sequence that we produced continually changes its genetic code and would be extremely unstable if we released it to the public." "Because of its constantly changing structure we refer to it as a number only, even we can't identify exactly what it is." At present, ReGrain can only be purchased from SWMBO but a major marketing approach is underway to provide it at participating Lowes and Home Depot stores that already have a pharmacy aisle.
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marc rosen wrote:

Happy April first!
--
Gerald Ross
Cochran, GA
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