Writing Contest: How to Repel Dog Owners

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New house, new yard, new neighborhood, soon to be a massive garden. In my last 'hood, there were quite a few dog owners to deal with and I went directly from calm to ballistic with no in between. It worked, but twice, the police were at my house, ready with handcuffs, until they calmed down and realized that it's legal tell a dog owner that you'll murder their trash if they don't control it.
This time, I thought it might be better to begin more quietly. I need to word a sign perfectly. The target audience is so-called "good dog owners", the ones who clean up after their trash animals. They're the ones who try and convince you that even though it's your property, it's OK for them to stop there. And, I believe that even when the owner picks the stuff up, the scent is still of interest to other dogs. My initial thought (for small, tasteful signs) was simply "No Dogs for ANY Reason. Period."
Sounds boring, though, so I'm open to suggestions. The message I really want to convey is that the guy at this house may or may not be stable. I hope I'm not, but so far, I am.
A friend suggested this: "All Dogs Will Be Collected and Eaten"
Anyway, the best suggestion wins 27 virtual cold beers. :-)
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On Sun, 22 Aug 2004 18:09:52 GMT, "Doug Kanter"

When I see a dog owner walking their dog on my lawn, I walk out to the street and ask them to not allow their dog on my lawn. This works 99% of the time, especially if you are holding a 22. Funny how I don't have to do this very often as there are very few people who walk their dogs on my street. I was surprised to find out that it is legal to kill an unleashed dog if it is on your property in my city. You might also consider taking pictures of both the dog owner and the dog on your property as evidence. I do not like signs, but "Keep off the Grass" is short and simple.
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Surely you aren't suggesting that killing a dog is a good solution?
Jesus Christ, what is this, the twilight zone? You sound like Taliban discussing whose hands to cut off.

Yeah... you might consider this. Not only is it a good idea, but it's actually SANE.

If I saw that I would think they meant people (like don't walk across the lawn to get to the front door, and if you are a kid, don't play on this lawn); not dogs.
JK
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I don't advocate harming the dogs but it takes superhuman effort not to get too annoyed after fishing your newspaper with warm dog turd from the front of your yard for the upteenth time.
I mean seriously when you see the dog owner stopping to allow his dog to crap in front of your lawn - right smack in front of your walkspace - it does tend to get a bit annoying.
Sure you can complain but it takes forever for the authorities to take any action on such matters.
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get
Bingo!
The first time I dealt with it, the dog catcher said she had to actually witness the event, or the stray dog before she could even hound the owner. In this case, the dog in question was only roaming around 6:30 AM. Animal control people don't come out at that hour unless they're dealing with a dangerous animal, so I was left to handle the situation myself. Ridiculous. By the way, the town justice finally straightened out the dog catcher, who somehow had gotten a skewed idea of how to do her job.
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yes, and usually the dog has persistnet digestive troubles.

i guess they've spoken to the dog cop about htis already :-)
Animal control people don't come out at that hour

what if you can show the dog cops your video?
Ridiculous. By the way, the town justice

well, there's a job avail that GwB might be able to handle.
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A neighbor tried that with the original dog catcher, who said it wasn't valid evidence. This was another factor that led to the cop being "reoriented" by the town justice. The neighbor actually followed the dog, on video, and taped it going back into its owner's house. :-)

I wouldn't trust GWB to clean my friggin' toilet correctly.
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Reo ( snipped-for-privacy@no.spam.com) in

hands? paws!
"Caution: Hungry Taliban members live here."
"Caution: lawn infested with carnivorous plants."
problem: you'd still have to teach the dogs to read.
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How about these:
Trespassing Dogs Owners Will Be Shot
Any Gifts Left Will Be Returned To Owners
You might also get one of those electrified invisible fences and install it around your yard. I believe there is a version which oesn't require the dog to be wearing a special collar. Something which would just give a bit of a zap and a small sign warning of the electric fence.
When I was a kid we had trouble with a neighbor whose dogs liked our yard. My mom asked several times for them to keep their dogs from using our yard and of course they didn't. So my mom collected the gift the next time the dogs visited and placed it right in front of their ront door, just where they would step in it. We didn't have any problems after that.
Except from cats which people let run wild outside. In my opinion people who let their cat out to roam the neighborhood to use the neighbor's flower beds as a toilet are just as bad as people who let their dog use the neighbor's yard as a toilet.
Shell (who has a dog and does not let him go in the neighbor's yard)

trash
the
want
I'm
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You seriously tell people you will kill their dog? Do you think the dog knows your lawn and garden belong to you and are not just a part of the earth it's walking on?
You need to get a grip.
If you're going to be mad at anyone, it should be the owners who are "the trashy ones" by letting their dogs shit on your property when they know you don't like it.

GOOD IDEA.
If you piss people off you aren't doing yourself or your garden any favors. You might come home one day to find it torn up instead of just "fertilized."

Dogs aren't "trash animals" just because they shit. You shit too, you know. And you aren't half as charming as a dog! ;)

You are waaaaaaaaaaaay too anal.
Why not just put a highly charged electrical fence around your property and hang shrunken heads from it. That should do the trick.

...I'm not sure people will know right off what that means without thinking about it a second, and by then their dog may be using your yard.

(Just introduce yourself...)

Go ahead... and every dog lover who walks by will encourage his dog to shit on your lawn, especially when you aren't there... and of those who pick up after their dog, some may decide to just leave it there as a present.

Please DO NOT stop here with your dog! Not even if you clean up after it! THX!
Direct. Clear. And hints to being polite about it. Which will get more people to cooperate, rather than less.
But what you need more than a sign is therapy... or learn how to meditate. Life is too short to sweat people who are cleaning up after their dogs! (It'd be one thing if you were only mad at people who don't!)
GOOD LUCK.
J.K.
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the
You're responding to two people at once, but I know that last line was for me. So, try this. Almost any statement can contain more than one meaning. Please tell me all the possible meanings you see in this:
"I want to go out when it's dark and smell the moonflowers."
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lead.
Please tell me all the possible meanings you see in this:

the Recombinant Punctuation game! "I want to! go out when it's dark and smell! the moonflowers...." "I want to go out! when it's dark... and smell the moonflowers." "I! want to go out when it's dark and smell the moonflowers?"
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Ummm.....no. But thanks for stopping by.
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only two obvious ones: "I want to (go out when it's dark) and (smell the moonflowers.)" "When it's dark, I want to (go out and smell the moonflowers)."
--
be safe.
flip
Ich habe keine Ahnung was das bedeutet, oder vielleicht doch?
  Click to see the full signature.
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You rearranged things a bit, but the meaning is still there. Here's the meaning which is NOT there, no matter how the words are arranged:
"I want to spend an unpredictable, but possibly very inconvenient amount of time, and possibly money cleaning my shoes and carpets after I've enjoyed a few minutes outside with the flowers."
And, something implied: "I do NOT want to spend 5 minutes with a large flashlight, making sure my lawn's not a minefield on the way to the flowers".
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"i hope to avoid being kidnapped and probed by The Aliens the next time i venture out after dark"
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Perhaps you should ask an adult to explain the concept of private property.
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There used to be this jerk of a neighbour. He had this big labrador dog - and he would always go and let it defecate right in front of my front strip lawn. Small dogs I can take - but he had a big dog that had big crap... And when he kept on repeatedly doing it - what the hell is wrong with him??? The crappy thing is that his wife would yell at other dog owners.
Thankfully, the bugger moved out - and hopefully is staying next to a Hell's Angels gangleader who owns killer rottweillers.
anyhow, I had more important things to worry about - so I didn't let it get to me... unless I sat down for awhile and thought about it.... moreover I just didn't want an argument with the silly duffer. If I wanted to get even, I collect his dog's feces from my front lawn - then throw it onto his front door at 3am when noone is looking. If I was any younger - I'd collect my OWN feces and hurl it into his front door step at 3am randomly.
I guess you could post a sign outside your lawn stating that you are using an insecticide that is highly toxic to animals. Then casually warn passing dog owners about insecticide - make up some story - about how it "may" cause harm to their pets. You can also scatter highly hot chilli seeds onto the areas when the dogs crap.
Warning! Insecticide Being Used may be Highly Toxic to animals.
Usually what they can't be certain of - usually puts an extra fear in them.
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front
Actually, this worked once for me. The dog owner continually denied that her dog was running around the neighborhood. I knew where she lived. One night, her son was visiting. His gorgeous yellow Corvette was parked in the driveway. I lifted his windshield wiper, dropped the turd on the window, and lowered the wiper into it.
The dog was never seen again. Priceless.
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onto their patio cover roof :-) out of reach from a ladder.
do htey have a swimming pool? pond?
donw the chimney.
a 6 months' collection, super-rehydrated, then impenetrably clusteerd (poured) around their mailbox :-)
shove thru vehicle grill, against the radiotor? pack, pack, embed, embed
http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&group=alt.revenge

namedrop: incurabel canine diseases.

don't forget to include a company name and logo.
either hand scawl the sign with marker, including a supposed cell number and 'amateurish' soudning name such as, bug thugz (seeminlgy written by someone who has suffered much damage to nervous system)
or
ABC-Syntrol-Davidson Hazardous Controls, Inc. - Division of Allied Industrial and Nuclear Test Co.
paint your truck in camouflage. decorate your place with shrunken heads. wiht windows open, loudly play recordings of large exotic predators (pterodactyls, etc).

don't step on the cracks!
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