RE: More Parrots

[Lew Hodgett]

Enjoy.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Lew went into a pet store looking for a pet.

"Can I help you?" inquired the shopkeeper.

"I'm looking for a pet, something interesting," responded Lew.

"Well, we have this Parrot, he's $300."

"Three hundred dollars?" responded Lew, "I've been sinking a lot of money into a boat. Don't you have anything a little less expensive?"

"Well, I have a $50 parrot."

"What's the difference between the $50 parrot and the $300 parrot?"

"The $300 bird can talk and the $50 one cannot," explained the shopkeeper.

"Why is that?"

"Well," continued the shopkeeper, "the $50 parrot has a little too much on his beak. It keeps him from talking."

"Can it be fixed?" asked Lew.

"There's an operation," responded the shopkeeper, "but its very delicate,and if too much is taken off the beak, it would kill the bird."

"Well, I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist," Lew proclaimed, "and can machine materials down to 3/1000 of an inch. I can take that excess beak off!"

"No, no," responded the shopkeeper, "it isn't work the risk."

"I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist," repeated Lew, "and can easily perform that operation. I'll take the $50 bird," he said, shoving the cash into the shopkeeper's hands.

*****************

The next day, Lew returned to the pet store with a sullen look on his face.

"I'll take the $300 parrot," he told the shopkeeper.

"What!" exclaimed the shopkeeper, "What happened to the other bird!"

"He's dead."

"You did it, didn't you," the shopkeeper angrily exclaimed, "You took too much off the beak and killed the bird!"

"No, that' not what happened," replied Lew, shifting uneasily on his feet.

"Then what happened," demanded the shopkeeper.

"Well," replied Lew with an apologetic tone, "I crushed his head in the vice."

[Bob S]

a sick mind indeed....... Parrot juice all over the shop!

Merry Christmas,

Bob S.

[George Max]

This is sick. Really awful. But funny too. Thanks.

[Robatoy]

[snippage of a very sick joke with an abundance of hilarity.]

It reminded me of a poem from years ago.. I don't remember much of it other than it was about a birdie singing in the window..blah, blah, yadda, yadda...and then the window was slammed shut, crushing its skull...

which in turn (tern) reminded me of the guy who set a pound of his best weed on fire near the nesting ground of this particular bird: he left no tern unstoned...

[Lobby Dosser]

Then there's the parrot with strings on his legs in the pet shop. Guy asks 'what are the strings for?' Owner says 'pull the left string he says the Lords Prayer, pull the right string he says the 23rd Psalm.' Guy asks 'what if you pull both strings at the same time?' Parrot says 'I'd fall on my ass you idiot!'

Then there's the burgler in a dark house and he hears a voice saying 'Jesus is watching you.' Burgler shines his flashlight around and it lights on a parrot who says 'Jesus is watching you.' Burglar says 'Phew, only a parrot.' Parrot says 'I am not *only* a parrot, my name is Moses' Burglar says 'What kind of idiot would name his parrot Moses?' Parrot says 'The same kind of idiot that named his Rottweiler Jesus'

[jo4hn]

or the nude sunbathing group who left no stern untoned... yuk, jo4hn

[Lew Hodgett]

To all pet-lovers,

We've heard about the parrot and the magician -- what about this one? It concerns an old lady who wanted to buy a certain parrot but the pet shop owner would not sell. "Madam," he said, "It is a foul-mouthed parrot, raised at sea. His vile language would only upset visitors to your home."

The lady persisted. She had a plan to cure the parrot of his constant use of bad language. "Every time you swear," she says to the parrot, "I will put you in the freezer for 30 seconds."

The parrot is duly purchased and the lady is taking her new charge home by taxi. The taxi is caught up in a traffic jam. "What's the f***ing hold-up?" asks the parrot. When they get home the parrot is punished by being popped into the freezer.

He emerges 30 seconds later, shivering, and says: "That was bloody freezing. But, tell me missus, what the f*** did the turkey do?"

[Lew Hodgett]

Magician takes a job on a cruise ship.

Since the guests changed every week, he performed the same show every cruise.

He got away with this for a while, until, during one show, the Captain's parrot, a very smart and observant fellow, started shouting "That's a different hat", "the flowers are under the table", why are all the cards the ace of spades", etc.

One day the ship had a terrible accident and sank.

The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with, of course, the parrot.

Since they both hated each other, neither one said a word for days and days.

Finally, the parrot piped up and said "Okay, I give, where's the boat."

[Robert Allison]

I was riding a bus once upon a time, sitting a little down from an old retired sailor. He had on his US Navy ball cap and had the look of a grizzled old seaman.

At one stop, a young kid got on the bus and sat down across from the old man. The kid had numerous tattoos, green, yellow and pink hair, body and face piercings all over. The old man lowered his paper and just stared at the boy.

The youngster took this for a while and then said: "Whats the matter old man? Haven't you ever seen a punk rocker before?"

The old man shook his head and replied: "Oh no, its not that.... It's just that I was ashore in Hong Kong about 20 years ago and got really drunk. So drunk that I had sex with a parrot,.... I just thought that you might be my son!"

[Robatoy]

ouch