FILPORT, ALberta CPNews. May 30 2005.
Bjorn L. Johannsson, drank a quart of shellac whilst his co-workers
cheered him on instantly killing him.
The local coroner, Dr. Elmer VanDooderen said: "That shellac killed him
before he hit the ground. Co-workers said he rolled his eyes, spun
around on one heel and hit the floor....what a finish!"
That's a keeper. Thanks for that.
One of my favourites:
What a wonderful bird is the pelican
his beak can hold more food than his belly can
He can put in his beak
enough food for a week
and I don't know how the hell he can.
<<There was an old lady from Clyde
Who ate some bad apples ...and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside 'er inside.>>
Which reminds me of one of my favorites:
There once was a fellow named Clyde
who tripped in the outhouse and died.
His brother came after
and slipped on a rafter
And new they're interred side by side.
(I wasn't sure whether to write that last line as I did or the alternate
"And now they're in turd side by side."
Of course, that's what makes it such a great one.)
To e-mail, replace "bucketofspam" with "dleegordon"
Little willy in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes.
Now although the room grows chilly
Nobody likes to poke up willy.
Alas for little willy
We'll never see willy no more
For what he thought was H2O
Little willy, from the mirror
sucked the mercury all off,
thinking in his childish error
it would cure the whooping cough.
Said the doctor to his mother,
when he finally came around;
Twas a chilly day for willy
when the mercury went down.
Little willy pushed sister Nell
into the family water well.
Alas, alas, the fall it kilt her
and now we have to buy a filter.
You don't have to tell me that I have a morbid sense of humor.
Reminds me of an incident almost thirty years ago which happened in the
marshalling yards in Roseville. Couple of gents were taking their sun and
lunch atop a tank car when one, lifting the hatch to see what was inside,
dropped his sandwich.
Had to discard the entire car of mercury.
More than 11 ppb of tunafish.
Glad to see there's someone else here who enjoys Little Willy jokes. Here's
[warning - this is gross, even by Little Willy standards]
Little Willy, with a shout
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out
Stomped on them to make them pop
Til Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!"
Doug Miller (alphageek at milmac dot com)
And can you blame me? All of these were included in a
childrens book that I got back when I was a little kid in the
50s. I think the book was called "A Childs book of Fun". I
will have to see if I still have it. It was great. BTW, my
favorite poem from that book is this one:
I'd sure like to holler
As fruit juice I swaller.
Why do you come so soon?
You wake me up at 6 o'clock
When I could sleep til noon.
I still feel that way.
Little Willy home from school
where he'd learned the golden rule
Said, "If I eat all this cake"
Sis won't get a tummy-ache
If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough
Poetry lesson time.
This is frequently attributed to Ogden Nash. Incorrectly.
(although it is very much in his style)
The actual author is Dixon Lanier Merritt, written in 1910
The "traditional" form:
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His beak will hold more than his belican.
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week,
Damned if I see how the helican.
common minor variations:
substituting the technically accurate 'bill' for 'beak', in line 2.
substituting 'know' for 'see' in the last line
substituting "Durned", or "Darned" in the last line
There are many other corruptions, but they violate the basic form of the
Limerick -- lines 1, 2, and 5 must have 3 groups of matched syllables.
and lines 3 and 4 must have 2 groups of matced syllables.
A wonderful / bird is the / pelican,
His beak will hold / more than his / belican.
He can take / in his beak
Food enough / for a week,
Damned if I / see how the / helican.
Robert Bonomi wrote:
[application of verbiage-icide]>
There was a young bard from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told it was so
He said, "Yes I know,
But I make it a rule to always try to get as many words into the last
line of a limerick as I possibly can."
I can't believe it! I only have a handful of these rhymes in my head, stuck
there by some buddies in junior high school all those years ago. I have
never heard them since, yet you guys got all of them. Except this one,
which is maybe a bit of a stretch from the others, but somebody here might
share my sense of humour:
I beat my head against the wall,
My eyes turn 'round and 'round.
I smash my brains until I fall
And lie there on the ground.
It often comes to mind when I'm trying to program this blasted computer...
- Owen -
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