Game ON:
The drummer Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly. Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up. All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums. He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
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Boy, did I have a rough night last night!!! I dreamt I was a muffler!
I woke up exhausted!
[Jokes like this really get me fuming.]
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I regret to inform you that one of the California Raisins died earlier today. Police are still looking for clues. So far, the only thing they know is that it was a cereal killer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was walking through the centre of town the other day when I came across a large crowd of people. I pushed through them and saw they were all looking at a thing that was half man and half horse, he was the centaur of attention.
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Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absentmindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence with a proposition.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A group of archeologists go to Mexico to study the origins of the Zigguarats (pyramids) which the ancients left there. During the course of their investigations, they happened upon some strange markings along the base of one pyramid. Among themselves, they argued about the meaning of the markings, but were not able to agree. Finally, they gave it up for the night, and set up camp. Next to the pyramid they built a fire, so as to protect it from the wind.
During the night, weird things happened.....unexplained noises, objects moving around on their own, etc. The scientists were very nervous. As the night went on, they heaped more and more wood on their fire, trying to ward off whatever evil spirits might be about.
Finally, the flames grew very high. And finally, the evil spirits had had enough. They swooped down on the archaeologists and killed them! If only they had been able to decipher the inscription:
Ziggurat smoking is harmful to your health.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a three-legged dog moseyed into Dodge City, Kansas. He was your typical western dog, he had a bandana around his neck and a snarl on his lips.
Anyway, Matt Dillon met the dog in the middle of Main Street amidst all his fans and said, "Three-Legged dog, this heres a peaceful community, we don't want no trouble."
To which the three-legged dog replied, "Matt, I'm not looking for no trouble neither, I'm just lookin' for the man that shot my paw!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."
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