A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander).
He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to
me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon.
"All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a
The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the
operation; however, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of
cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut
out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the
patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the surgeon said, "I'm terribly
sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3
of your brain.
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling
the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months
of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT
OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students
to count to 50.
Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.
But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3
At home he told his Dad how well he had done.
Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite
Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie out
did them again.
He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad
explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have
little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs.
"Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No son", explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of
them died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on
the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well", said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then
the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die,
and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next
thing I knew I was back here.
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "but what happened to the
"Last I saw them", replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over
the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for