Todays top tip

[ARW]

Setting fire to a mattress in your front garden slows the traffic down better than speed bumps and 20MPH signs.

[Fredxx]

Is this from experience? Do you have many mattresses to burn?

[alan_m]

Burning a old carpet in your back garden has a similar effect!

[spuorgelgoog]

My father burned the old sofa cushions on a bonfire - they predated any safety regulations and even as a small child I was surprised the fire brigade didn't turn out at the dense plume of black smoke.

Owain

[Fredxx]

I recall burning tyres on a bonfire, best done when very dark and no wind so the smoke goes vertical!

[Andy Burns]

Angle grinder and sneak it into the wheeelie bin over a few weeks

[ARW]

Only the one.

TBH I had to throw a computer chair and a gallon of diesel on it to get it going.

[Cursitor Doom]

Not remotely. You can't beat a horse hair stuffed mattress for smoke generation. If the mattress Adam burned was horse hair, then it would have been a wondrous sight to behold indeed. Kids today have no idea of all the fun they've been swindled out of by our crusading environmental nutters.

[Cursitor Doom]

Polystyrene is a pretty effective fire accelerator, too. Was the mattress horse hair stuffed? I wish I could have been there to share the moment. Got any video?

[ARW]

Does a hobby horse have a wooden c*ck?

Lad should have videos of us throwing petrol at it.

[stephenten]

Well at least the hobby house has a hard c*ck!

[Brian Gaff (Sofa)]

And no doubt brings along the pollution police. Brian

[Brian Gaff (Sofa)]

giant weetabix? Brian

[Cursitor Doom]

You should enter for the 'Next-Door Neighbour of the Year' competition. ;-> Bit disappointing, though; obviously not horse-hair filled. I can only give you 2 stars for that.

[Steve Walker]

From experience (40-odd years ago), storing a combined UV/Infra-red lamp under the bed and accidentally plugging it in instead of the electric blanket sets light to a mattress very well! The lamp did have a safety switch to stop it operating if it was closed or knocked over, but it was a mercury switch and made contact if it was stored upside-down :(

SteveW

[Bill Wright]

I know someone who had a massive number of soiled fecal incontinence items to dispose of. He rung their local council who said that they couldn't help. In the end he piled them up in a corner of his field and dropped a couple of old doors over them. Later that summer he figured they must have dried out so he took the doors off and got some soiled pillows and poured paraffin into them. They absorbed quite a lot apparently. He pushed the pillows under the incontinence products and threw in a match. He did this at 3am. For many days the smell was the talk of the whole district. Apparently it made people want to vomit.

Bill

[Cursitor Doom]

They should have nominated him for the 'Next-Door Neighbour of the Year' competition. :-D

[Marland]

In a houseshare when young one of the things we did not have was a lawnmower and the grass and weeds got to about two foot tall. Then one of the lads came home with sickel , it was a warm weekend and by Sunday the grass was turning to hay quite nicely. We were sat on the doorstep waiting for the pub to open wondering how to get rid of it .? Might burn I?ve seen farmers burn stubble ?someone said ?give it a match then?. The result was quite good but smoky, some neighbour called the fire brigade which was a bit OTT,it had burnt out in minutes. The slightly peeved fireman gave us a lecture and left, they were back a few months later but that was due to us leaving a coin gas meter on the step with a note to the meter man who was insisting on emptying it and left a note to say he would call. The landlord had the meter disconnected when we moved in and the part of the house it served connected to the ordinary meter and only had about

50p in it. Unwilling to take time of work we placed it on the doorstep and the note invited the meter man to take the 50p and the meter or leave it and we would pit it back later. Came home to find a fire engine,gas personnel , Police and a cordon keeping people away from the vicinity of the house which really peed off the neighbours. Turned out the gas fitter who took it out of circuit although an actual gasboard fitter was a mate of the landlord and did it for a pint which meant no records were amended.

GH