DIY mum left with horrific burns

[Skipweasel]

Not as bad as Count Arthur Strong. He and Sheila Dillon are only things that make me switch Radio 4 off.

[The Medway Handyman]

I have this cunning plan to make my fortune by designing car type lights for supermarket trolleys.

Brake lights, reversing beacons, indicators, headlamps to flash others through gaps - and of course a horn.

[The Medway Handyman]

From Wikipedia;

"He has selective memory loss, never hearing what he doesn't want to and malapropism-itis, which result in him confusing anyone he happens to be talking to and even confusing himself. However, he more often than not blames the people he is talking to for causing the confusion in the first place. On the few occasions Count Arthur does realise that it he who is in the wrong, he tries to lie out of his predicament, often unsuccessfully".

"A typical conversation for the Count will involve him confusing both himself and others, while becoming drastically sidetracked from the matter in hand. He is usually oblivious to the chaos he causes, often blaming his interlocutors for any confusion. On the rare occasions he realises he is at fault, he often attempts to divert the blame by lying. Inevitably becoming confused by his own lies, his last resort is usually to claim he was recording a stunt for a hidden camera show".

Sounds exactly like Dennis!

ICMFP's.

[Grimly Curmudgeon]

We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember Roger Chapman saying something like:

Horrible.

Long beforehand, for me.

[Tim Streater]

They'll move if you push gently while saying "excuse me" a few times. I don't have time to fart about in Morrisons.

[PeterC]

Even JS ain't that bad!

[Huge]

You mean you (gasp) listen to the Archers? How could you?

[The Wanderer]

When they appeared on QI once they were claiming to be brother and sister. Whether they are is altogether another matter.......

[The Wanderer]

Oh, I get it. It's been written in a book so it *must* be true. Are you really that stupid?

[The Natural Philosopher]

I always find time to fart in morrisions, though.

It can clear queues remarkably quickly.

[The Natural Philosopher]

..yes, the ultimate tokenist soap, that just happens to be set in the countryside where we find drug addiction, interracial tensions, same sex marriages, adultery, and dodgy property deals that lead to prison sentences. I am afraid our village is just not that exciting, nad its more about crop yields and whether or not the huge bung from the Eurocrats will result in the illegal gypsy site being given a million quid to turn it into a legal one.

The only people round here, apart from the gypsies, who deserve a prison sentence are the council planners so called.

[Steve Firth]

Oh come on!

Surely you turn it off for "The Moral Maze" as well?

[Tim Streater]

You talking about Smithy Fen?

[Skipweasel]

A friend had a mobility scooter - she'd broken her back some years before. It had the most tiddly-tiny piezo squeaker on it - you couldn't hear it in a busy shop. So she asked me to beef it up a bit.

Those "aROOOOGAaaa" klaxons dunnarf make teenage shop-assistants pay attention.

[Skipweasel]

No - I mean the Archers is /on/. That doesn't mean I listen to it.

During the day there are several programmes that are on but not actively listened to. The difference is that CAS and Dillon's Unbearably Smug Food programme make me leap to switch it off.

[Skipweasel]

For driving there's books on tape. Or mp3 these days.

The whole of A History of the World in 100 Objects can keep you going for a while. Then there's Bryson's Short History of Nearly Everything, and Old Harry's Game and Pullman's Dark Materials and thousands of other books. Grimm's fairytales read by Anna Massey is a treat - then there's Gaiman, Pratchett, A Canticle for Leibowitz, Clockwork Orange, Shyster Flywheel and Shyster, Gerald Durrell, Douglas Adams, William Gibson, Neal Stephenson....

[Skipweasel]

If it's got that awful Philips woman on it, yes. Otherwise it can just burble away in the background until its finished.

Anyway - once in a while it's nice to have something to shout at.

[The Natural Philosopher]

yeah..we have that for long journeys, but actually I LIKE radio2.

They don't censor or attempt to censure the callers. They listen politely, and often pass their points onto the next caller for comment. Whilst remaining neutral and believe yt or not, intelligent without getting HEAVY.

Listening to Jenny Bloody Murray trying to force a woman to agree with her PeeCee feminist stance when she clearly expected to be able to state her own views without censure, was disgusting, and the last time I ever listened to woman's hour.

[Tim Streater]

Mmm. Can be dodgy. I remember driving north and got off the M6 as planned well before Stafford. I was listening to a Terry Pratchett tape. Next thing I knew I was in the middle of a big city, no idea where I was. Drove round a bit and realised I was in Chester - my intended destination. But I had no recollection of the previous 40 mins - scary.

[The Natural Philosopher]

If there is anything more irrelevant its a bunch of pseudo intellectuals trying to come to terms with, and weasel their way out of, a conflict between the world as reality, and what they firmly believe in.

Got no time for it. I decided a long time ago that I have no morals, only a pragmatic self interest in not screwing around with people who use it as an excuse to screw around with me. If they do it anyway, I leave. Or screw them three times as hard if I can.

I held the school bully in a headlock the entire break, till he agreed not to come after me again.

Later, we were drilled with the message that life was intrinsically unfair, and moaning about it wouldn't change the fact the whole class was in detention because no one would own up to throwing a duster at the master. All done firmly, with humour and no rancour.

You cant get that sort of education even if you pay, these days.