Ever since around Christmas we have been getting smoke in the house from our woodburner. On New Years day it got so bad that we had to douse the fire with a fire extinguisher and switch to electric heat. This caused the ceiling and walls near the woodburner to be covered with soot.
Yesterday I called heating company and they sent a repairman. He said there was nothing wrong with our woodburner and he built a small fire in it. A few minutes later the house was getting smoky so he went outside on the roof and came back down with a really puzzled look and asked to use our phone. He called his shop and asked them to send the boss.
When the boss arrived, he immediately went on the roof and came back down quickly, asking to use the phone. He called the police and asked them to send an officer. When the police arrived, I got the terrible news. There was a fat man's body stuck in our chimney. They said he was wearing a red suit and had a long white beard. The fire department arrived and all of them worked for several hours before finally extracting the body.
It turns out this man has been missing since someone reported him missing on December 25. They said his name was Santa Claus. Efforts to revive him failed and he was pronounced dead on our front lawn. I feel terrible about this, although when they fished him out of the chimney, they found he was holding a big screen tv set. I was allowed to keep the tv, and after a little soot removel from the screen, it works perfectly. My woodburner works fine again too, and my wife has the job of of cleaning the soot off the walls while I enjoy some football on the big screen and clean up all the beer in the fridge.
Happy New Year, and a belated (LAST) Merry Christmas
Sgt. Gary Hofferman U.S. Army