OT: Blond Joke

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot.
He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.
The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"
"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."
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Bill Stock wrote: [snip of funny stuff] Here's one more:
*/Bob, a good-looking guy, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump. The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." /* */ Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" /* */ Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob and said, "Fair is fair. Here's your money." /* */ Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." /* / //*The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."*/
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Here's one more for JT
Subject: If I needed a reason *NOT* to get a cat, other than my allergies, and not being at all fond of them, this would be it:
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one.
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozey to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter- patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter--and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter;" they all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
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You really have to hear it sung (very, very fast), but:
The Smallest Thing That's Known to Man (AKA The Shower Song) -- Lorne Elliot
The smallest thing that's known to man's a subatomic particle measured scientifically under lab conditions to be ten centimetres taken to the minus thirteenth power But though this thing is very small it's really not that small at all compared to the line that is ever so fine, that seperates the hot from the cold on the handle of my shower But even if you manage to adjust it just exactly like you like it there are still one hundred thousand different combinations different permutations things which can and maybe will go wrong Like when I'm in the shower with the woman that I love, and just at the moment of extreme excitation some guy in the apartment below turns his dishwasher on. And the water comes out cold and my woman goes eek! and steps on the soap nearly breaks her neck as it was she only suffered from some minor scrapes and bruises because just as she was falling she made a desperate grab for the nearest thing around her so that no fatal harm would occur which was fortunate for her but unfortunate for me cause the thing she made a grab for happened to be something near and dear to both of us tho' to be fair she wasn't thinking how extremely dear it was to me as how conveniently near it was to her But it's an interesting biologic metabolic fundamnetal scientific not to say a physiological fact That when subjected to the stimulus of sub-zero h2o the male private areas have the tendency to rapidly contract. So this is what they did, and that is why she missed them, made a grab behind them, what it was she finally caught Was the handle of my shower which she twisted as she fell past the smallest thing that's known to man and suddenly the water came out ...Hot And I went eek! and I fainted unconcious and my woman got me outa there and twe weeks later my poor private areas finally got the courage to emerge tho' even now they haven't yet regained their normal size and weight and span In fact for a while there they had successfully broken all previous world records for the smallest thing that's known to man.
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He find his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear the best dumb blonde joke ever?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things . . .
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now, think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"
Art
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
<snip>
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
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J.B. Bobbitt wrote:

The bartender says "So why the long face?"
fud
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Cher walks into a bar. The bartender says "So why the long face?"
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On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 03:07:11 GMT, "J.B. Bobbitt"

A priest, rabbi, and mullah walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke ?"
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A dyslexic walks into a bra
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Oh, Lordie. Several years ago, on the 'home automation' newsgroup, somebody made exactly that typo, and posted a query about plans for building a "bra code reader". The ensuing hilariaty went on for several *weeks*.
Including one wiseacre who opined: "The accuracy of a bra code reader is inversely proportional to the amount of free mammary."
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Brings to mind the group for Mothers Against Dyslexia DAM.
On Tue, 08 Feb 2005 18:04:50 -0000, snipped-for-privacy@host122.r-bonomi.com (Robert Bonomi) wrote:

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Why, do they top-post too?
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Because they hate you too.

tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email) http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1 (webpage)
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That's *NUDE* Mothers Against, Dyslexia, actually.
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one more time.
Two blondes are sitting on a front porch one evening in Oklahoma. It's a beautiful clear night and there's a full moon. Looking up at the moon, the first blonde asks "Which do you think is further away, the moon, or Florida?"
The second blonde can't believe her friend would ask such a dumb question, and replies "Well, duh! Florida is further away. After all, you can SEE the moon!"
Bill Stock wrote:

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On Sat, 05 Feb 2005 04:03:04 GMT, Dave Miller

This is another of those unfortunate instances of the blonde leading the blonde.
Sad really.
tjwatson1ATcomcastDOTnet (real email) http://home.comcast.net/~tjwatson1 (webpage)
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Florida Blonde in West Virginia

Charlie Self "I think we agree, the past is over." George W. Bush
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Q: Why do blond men walk around with their flies undone? A: So they can count to eleven.
Gerry

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