St Patrick's Day is the day the rest of us mark to laugh at the bit of
"Irish" in all of us (methinks it's been too PC here of late)...
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
OK I'll play along :)
In dropped this bit of wisdom:
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done
this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if
he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the
brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the
pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it
says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'
P D Q
A man is strolling down an Irish lane when suddenly a masked gunman jumps
from the bushes.
"Now, be ye Catholic or be ye Prostestant?" demands the gunman.
Thinking quickly, the hiker says, "Err, I'm Jewish!"
A big grin spreads on the robber's face and he say: "Begorrah! I be the
luckiest A-rab in all of Ireland!"
Sammy and Moshe are walking down the sidewalk in New York,
Out of nowhere, a mugger flashes chrome 45.
"Give me all your money!!"
Moshe reaches into his pocket and gives Sammy $ 300,00. "That's the
money I owe you."
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why,
in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've
had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.
All on the house."
"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister.
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