OT: A Message From the Rural Midwest

[Dave Balderstone]

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota; those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

1. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

2. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

1. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

2. Go ahead and bring your 0 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for.... bait.

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

1. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

2. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

1. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

2. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

1. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

2. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

1. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

2. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? The highway you came in on will also take you home.

1. Interstates 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

2. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

1. So every person in every pickup waves... It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

2. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

1. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

2. Now, enjoy your visit and go home.

[Mark Jerde]

Venison "veal" tastes great with 'taters & peas anyway. Butchering your own cows, pigs and wild game gets you over all this teary eyed stuff.

Yeah!!

-- Mark

[George]

Deer opener is a day off at schools up here. Methodists do brunch, and the Lutheran church does have a hunters' dinner.

Kid left his baiting bags at the side of the well house - never has learned to put things away - and the last two times I went to let the dogs out I had to wait until the deer left before releasing them. I suppose he could get one at the front door if he wanted....

[BUB 209]

You left out the North Side of Chicago.

[Frank Ketchum]

Wouldn't miss it for the world! It's tomorrow, (Nov 15th) in Michigan. Won't be in the shop much this weekend!

[Bob Schmall]

"What separates the cheeseheads from the dickheads?" "The Illinois state line."

[Bob Schmall]

(snip of stuff I saved to my humor file)

Thank you, David. You go.

Bob

[Mark]

Got over it hell, unless you were wondering why the hunter didn't field dress Bambi's Pop. (IIRC?)

Get over the kid with a cane pole catching more fish than you with your fancy rig and 10 pounds of tackle.

Or in your pocket.

[Mark & Juanita]

... snip of good stuff

Loved it! :-)

[A Dog Named Stain]

Why would a flathead catfish be in a trout stream? Given the choice between fried catfish and smoked trout, I'll take the one that doesn't taste like a big bucket of mud.

As for the price, just think of your Zebco as a direct drive Craftsman and the Orvis as a Powermatic or Delta cabinet saw...

[Larry Jaques]

On Fri, 14 Nov 2003 13:50:23 GMT, "Bob Schmall" brought forth from the murky depths:

A2: There's a difference?

------------------------------------------------- - Boldly going - * Wondrous Website Design - nowhere. - *

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[Bob Schmall]

The subtle difference wouldn't be noticeable to a left coaster, but then, what would be?

[dave]

I'd say that about draws the line. I'll take the catfish and a Garcia reel, Browning rod. Now let's talk blood bait or dough balls.

Dave in Fairfax

[Silvan]

We have a gravel road smack in the middle of town. I've never been able to figure that one out.

Lots of gravel roads in the boonies too, and plenty of places to run out of pavement not that far from the main roads.

We have it *easy* here in Virginia. In the Carolinas, they have *dirt* roads. I've never been able to figure out how people who drive cars and live on clay roads manage to get to work when it rains.

[Mark & Juanita]

... reluctant snip -- check the archives, it's worth it!

Dang, where's the Windex?

[Larry Jaques]

On Fri, 14 Nov 2003 23:42:45 GMT, "Doug Winterburn" brought forth from the murky depths:

-snip of great tales-

She sounds familiar. Warn't she Ellie May's sister?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Heart Attacks: God's revenge for eating his little animal friends --

Comprehensive Website Development --

[Charlie Self]

Ah, well, it's a secret...lot like driving on wet glass, or ice, but deeper.

As a kid, I lived on dirt road in NY, maybe 55 miles north of the city. Probably embarrass the good, if snooty, people of Westchester County today, but it was in northern Westchester, extended for miles, with many side roads, with houses every 1/4 or 1/2 mile or so. The road was usually a washboard in dry weather (and a great place to learn to handle slides in curves as the traffic was truly neglible back then). In '55, we got a true gully-washer. In fact, turned 70% of the road into a gully, but that one did the same throught the Northeast. At the time, I had the only car that would get out of the road, a little Crosley convertible about 3/4 the width of a VW bug. There was enough road, albeit wet, for me to run a lot of errands.

Charlie Self "I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be." Thomas Jefferson

[George]

Then there are northern roads, where the earth below is frozen, and the top thaws to a saturated quagmire. There's gravel somewhere in there, but it provides no traction, having three or four inches of packing clay to lubricate it.

In Russia they have a name for those times of year - bezdorozhie. Literally "roadless."

Two and a half miles to pavement, and I d>

[Swingman]

The roads were so bad in S Louisiana where I grew up that the rural Cajuns often loaded a horse in the back of the pickup to pull them out when they got stuck, or to ride home when it couldn't.

My first introduction to "redundancy" systems.

[Lewis Hartswick]

I think some of them don't. We just had 4 school busses slide off the roads around here on Thur. One of them twice. One on the west side and 3 over on the east side of the mountain. All from about one inch of rain in a short time. ...lew...