OT: Need advice as to how to tactfully tell neighbours to shove off

[cd]

Hi guys,

I'm slightly Aspergerish and have lived alone in various places over the last 25 years in the UK and abroad quite happily with no adverse interactions with dozens of different neighbours at xmas time - until today that is. Current neighbour on one side bowled up at around 4pm today, brimming over with seasonal goodwill, with xmas lunch for me, all done up on plate with side-dish under clingfilm. A nice charitable gesture you might think but I found it rather insulting and intrusive. At 56 I'm not some depressive pensioner with no friends or relatives; far from it. I have loads of friends and relatives but traditionally choose to spend this time of year on my own for a bit of peace and quiet. I've had my fill of family xmases over the decades and value the break from the norm to put my feet up and take it easy. Now this happens. I know the neighbours are only trying to be 'nice' but it's really pissed me off and ruined my day. How can I ensure this doesn't happen again without upsetting them or appearing rude and ungrateful? They clearly don't begin to understand I PREFER living alone and do NOT want to be bothered again. Your constructive assistance invited here, please. I'll only mess up relations with them if I go it alone without advice. cheers, CD.

[spuorgelgoog]

"I hope you weren't offended when I didn't answer the door on Xmas Day but I was up until 7 am skyping all my relatives in south America so I was sleeping in ...

"I always fast on Xmas Day ...

"Thank you. I don't really like Xmas Lunch but I'm sure the cats (etc as appropriate) will appreciate it ...

Or just thank them and chuck it in the waste-disposer. It's only once a year, or do they usually/often do this? Perhaps they were a guest short and thought they'd give it to you instead of waste it?

But I'm not one to advise on social niceties.

Owain

[Unbeliever]

There's a few rather bleak and lonely uninhabited islands off the West Coast of Scotland that might well be the best place for you to seek solace over the festive season. Buy one of them and build a croft there for your own use - and then get back on-topic post here for advice on how you build that house rather than bitching about a totally irrelevant subject here. Go and ask the Samaritans instead!

Bloody hell, I thought I had a rough time today being offered a cooked lunch with all the trimmings surrounded by eleven rather noisy people (plus my wife) - most of whom extracted the urine, hammered forty shades of crap out me, threw some of their presents around causing a bit of damage here and there (how do you repair a curtain rail that was torn down by someone swinging on it [to keep things OT]), shaking a small bottle of fizzy drink - and then taking the bloody top off it?

Bloody hell was I grateful when four adults and seven grand children finally packed up and returned to their homes leaving my wife and self with bloody headaches, a large pile of washing up and rubbish to separate for recycling - and to cap it of, my wife refused to make me a cuppa telling me that all I did was to sit on my bottom today fighting off seven grandchildren - bloody cheek!

And I wouldn't have changed the day for all the tea in China - I had a fantastic time.

[philipuk]

Book Tibbetts on Lundy Island. About 1 and 3/4 miles from the other propert ies on an Island 15 miles offshore ;) Only downside (or maybe a bonus) is n o leccy.

For this year just say thank you and either eat it or bin it.

For next year attempt to have an informal chat over the garden fence at som e point in the year saying how you are looking forward to a quiet Christmas on your own maybe.

I would say they are just trying to be kind and would happily swap your nei ghbors for mine who now have half their garden full of black bin bags of ro tting food and nappies and a cone of debris spreading out across the green from their property. At least they have not spent all day swearing and yell ing at each other like I suspected they might.

[Chris Bartram]

The only tactful course is to thank them. Maybe even buy a bottle of wine as thanks. Then, before next year drop heavy hints about how you need some time alone. Maybe even say you're working or have been working so will be sleeping in the days before?

It's a tricky situation, and they probably think they're helping (and it's a kind gesture), but as you asked, I guess you appreciate that.

[Andy Cap]

I think the answer is to be honest. Knock on the door, perhaps you have to return the plate, and just say thank you, you really appreciated the kind gesture, but that you are not one of the lonely singles they imagined and are very content with your own company. Rather than me, perhaps there is some more deserving character in the neighbourhood. If they take umbrage, you've lost nothing as they probably wont contact you again.

All the best with it !

[Bill Wright]

You reaction is wrong, and you should try to correct it. What matters is the intent, not your interpretation. You actually know that they were trying to be nice. So as far as your own personal progress is concerned, you have to recognise that your reaction is inappropriate. However . . .

What they did didn't work for you on this occasion, which simply means that they misunderstood you and your circumstances. Not many people do understand the psychology of others, so many interactions are very hit and miss. How are your neighbours to know that you have a healthy social life? This time it was a miss: next time it might be a hit.

At Christmas some people have a mad unfocussed urge to be charitable, and sometimes they seize upon a convenient recipient without any real thought. That's what's happened to you.

You can't deal with it for this year because it's in the past, so the best thing is to keep good friends with them in case you need them for some other reason. So thanks are in order. You really do need to be very grateful! Honestly, it's better if you appear very grateful. Partly because of what might happen in the year (medical emergency, have you got any jump leads, etc) and partly because of what happens in the next paragraph.

Towards Christmas next year, speak to one person only amongst the charitable neighbours, not a group. Obviously it should be a person with influence in their family or group. Say that although you were very grateful about what they did last year, there's no need to do it again because. . . and you can fill in the rest yourself. You can emphasise your point. Be polite but firm!

Bill

[Brian Gaff]

Well, as you say, no harm intended by them, indeed the opposite. I've been there but in my case I made it known that I do need to know exactly what I'm eating due to dietary issues and allergies. OK a slight white lie there, the fact is that food is not the great thing many others seem to suggest. I eat for fuel, nothing more. Not my fault but one cannot actually say, you don't like food, as the next thing is they want to try to see if they can find a food you like to eat.

I find it strange that some people see it as a challenge when they see I've had a simple jam sandwich and a glass of milk rather than Turkey and vegetables and all that.

So you might try the diet angle next time.

People can be illogical though. Given the number of years I have had no access to the written word, many still send hand written Christmas cards to me, which then means I have often to wait till I can get them read to find out who sent them.

Brian

[meow2222]

Your interpretation, ie how you think they saw you, is a guess rather than hard fact. It might be correct, it might be far from correct. Given that how you respond to life and how they do are so different I would be wary of assuming.

I'd agree there. You can't change how people see you as easily as would be wished. People often go off on their merry trip, ignoring reality or facts. Some acceptance of such foolishness is often the best option.

Or just say how you had 2 christmas day meals to munch this year, how lucky etc.

In the short term I'd smile, thank them, and be aware you're lucky they're not hostile arsewipes.

NT

[damduck-egg]

Tibbetts is a bit expensive as it is for four, The old light keepers cottage is for one. The top of the old light is a lovely place to sit with a good book,pair of Binoculars on a clear day.

G.Harman

[damduck-egg]

Do you have much interaction with them at all or are you strangers to each other who just say hello over the fence. It may be that you need to natter a bit more so they get to know you over the next few months and at some point let them know how you prefer your own company on most occasions unless meetings are prearranged. A good neighbour is something that many people wish they had and you never know when having someone friendly close may be a boon. A simple accident like breaking an ankle after a slip is easier to cope with if someone is around to put the bins out,run you to the doctors etc.

G.Harman

[Bill]

[CB]

There is an awful lot of "non thought" that goes into Christmas cards. My neighbor still gets cards for people who left the house at least 15 years ago. (The last owners bar one). As the card just says from Joe and Jolene there is no way to contact the sender. Clearly the sender does not know the intended recipient very well.

[charles]

18 years ago, I managed to trace the senders of cards to my father who had died a couple om months earlier. I was helped by his address book and the fact the postmarks still had the posting town on them. I suspect that some of the cards were from old school friends whom he might not have seen for 70 years.

[soup]

Nah that was my hoose.

[cd]

Quite. It boils down to the phenomenon of 'projection' where we tend to put ourselves in other people's shoes to 'see how we would feel' in their position. The problem is since we're all different it's a pointless exercise. I blame the stinking BBC with this line they've been spinning urging viewers to think about people alone at xmas. It obviously hasn't occurred to them that some of us wouldn't have it any other way. I've got family I

*could* go to if I wished - but I don't want to. And univited callers with the best of intentions are NOT welcome here at xmas when I'm trying to enjoy a rare day of uninterrupted peace and quiet!!

[cd]

You've given me an idea there... Perhaps I should scrape off the plates incompletely, leaving a congealed residue of gravy and custard, then bung 'em in the oven on 240 degrees for 45 minutes so the mess is baked on like absolute stone and return them in that state. That ought to do the trick. ;->

[Dave Plowman (News)]

Crikey. Just accept the gift in the spirit it was intended and say thank you. You don't have to eat it - just bin it if you don't want it.

Be different if they were trying to persuade you to come to them for dinner - when you wanted peace and quiet.

[tony sayer]

In article , Dave Plowman (News) scribeth thus

Quite Dave couldna put it better myself.

OK so they might to you be a nuisance but I once had a bad crippling accident and I was grateful for all the help I could get. One day they might be in need of some help and you might be able to support them perhaps?.

OK I know we all come into the world alone and go out alone but lets try to get one with each other whilst here;!)...

[Bill Wright]

That's it in a nutshell.

Bill