The year was 0000 BC (or was it AD..... no one really knew). The
shepherds were having a terrible time trying to understand their
Hallmark calendars, and the date on their Ipods. Because of this
calendar confusion, many of them were drinking a lot of Jack Daniels,
Mogen David, and Budweiser beer, while visions of sugar-plums danced in
While these shepherds were passed out in the fields snuggled close to
their sheep, a bright star appeared in the North, right over the North
Pole (a High Voltage Pole on the North end of town). Moments later, a
sleigh being pulled by eight reindeers, flew past this bright star. In
the sleigh was a fat man, named Santa Claus, dressed in red, with a long
white beard. He yelled out "HO HO HO", which means he apparently saw a
half naked woman playing rap music on her MP3 player, somewhere below,
and he was calling her a "Ho".
During this appearance of the star, there was a news flash posted on
Facebook, which read:
Somewhere outside of Bethlehem a woman named Mary, laid a giant egg in a
manger, between a donkey and an elephant which were having a battle over
healthcare benefits. But despite the battle, Mary carefully deposited
this 300 pound egg in the manger, then knelt down in pain, cussed, and
said a prayer. Mary claimed to be a Virgin, but her (soon to be
ex-husband), Joseph told the TV-news reporters that he saw his wife Mary
fornicating with a huge cock rooster some months earlier, while she was
drunk, and said "she's no goddamn virgin".
[The facebook article included two photos of the giant egg, one before
and one after it was dyed in Rit Easter egg dye].
The world became very quiet, and a heavenly choir of angels sang "Silent
Night", but since the night was silent, no one could hear them singing.
Even the internet became very quiet after Google's system overloaded
from this announcement, and was shut down for several hours. All that
could be heard around the world was the echo of Santa Claus saying "Ho
Ho Ho", and the sound of Jingle bells in the distance.
But things were not as jolly and gay as one would expect after a human
virgin white woman lays a 300 pound egg. No one knows exactly what
happened, but it appears that some Islam terrorists must have sabotaged
the egg, and loaded it with weapons of mass destruction. That's when
all Hell broke loose.
Every drunken shepherd for hundreds of miles, suddenly awoke, from the
blast of a large eggplosion, as this giant egg suddenly eggploded. Both
the donkey and the elephant soared into space, leaving nothing but the
rocket's red glare and bombs bursting in air. But the sky then twinkled
as two hundred million semi metallic plastic Jesuses on a cross, erupted
from the egg, and they could be seen crashing to the ground all around
Mary was horrified and she screamed in terror. Suddenly three wise guys
appeared. They were dressed like clowns, and were telling blond jokes,
jumping rope, playing with laser pointers, and drinking up a frenzy.
Each of them had a professionally gift wrapped red and green gift box,
with a large gold bow. They handed these gifts to Mary. One contained
whiskey, another had vodka, and the last one had a fifth of peppermint
schnapps. Mary quickly opened these gifts, thanked the wise guys, and
went on a drinking binge, emptying all the bottles down her throat.
Moments later, Mary quickly fell to the ground, knocking over her
barstool in the process. She heard the manger's bartender yell "Last
Call", just before she went into a deep sleep.
The manger became very quiet and still. Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse. But little did anyone know that those wise guys had
camera phones, and in seconds Facebook lit up with millions of photos of
the Virgin Mary passed out drunk, next to a tipped barstool and a
lighted christmas tree with glittering tinsel and brightly colored
At that moment, the Pope awoke from a one hundred year sleep, and
announced on CNN and Fox news, saying "The world will never be the same
after this night"! Then he cried out "Merry Christmas to all, and to
all, a good night". The bells rang above the chapel, and everyone in
the universe experienced Peace on Earth, which lasted a whole ten
minutes, before two obese female Walmart shoppers got into a tussle over
the last box of Christmas cards which were marked down 50%, left over
from Black Friday. A fight erupted, eyes were poked, lipstick was
smeared, a wig was torn off, and a broken bra strap ensued before the
police arrived. The police arrested both shoppers and locked them up
till New Years day, at which time they posted bail, and received a
public defender for their trial.
The world never again experienced peace, but two hundred million semi
metallic plastic Jesus saviors were born that night. And that's why we
celebrate Christmas every year, because those vintage semi metallic
plastic Jesus saviors now sell to collectors on Ebay upwards to twenty
thousand dollars each, plus shipping and handling.
Now you know the REAL REASON FOR THE SEASON!
Merry Effin Christmas!
Ho Ho Ho!!!!