Christmas Lights

Love it! Reminds me of my Holiday Watch Neighborhood Group; the same ones that make a contest of the best display (let's call the newspapers and local news stations) for complete coverage.

I was cudgeled into putting up my obligatory single string around the eaves of Castle Ranger. Since I was up on my 7' ladder, I could look around the neighborhood. I noticed a neighbor of mine (Bud of Many Lights and Christmas Kitsch) outside adding yet more light stringers to his ever-expanding Tim-Allen-like collection. He saw me and motioned for me to come on over. I have come to dread these little meetings (during this festive time of year) for two reasons: 1) he's obsessive in his gaudiness and 2) he's obsessive about having others join in on his "hobby."

As I walked across the street, I noticed his latest purchase of Christmas kitsch -- a 50' string of chili peppers -- and there were several unopened boxes still to be added. He followed my horrified stare and beamed like a new father, "Like 'em?"

"Uh... They're chili peppers..." I stammered lamely.

"Yeah! And I bought all those boxes for less than it cost for one string of those icing lines! Cool, huh?"

I chose not to answer. Whenever I answer him, I get mean and nasty, and my daughter-units like his daughter-units. Since they were all off playing [peacefully] at that moment inside Castle Ranger, there was no benefit to holding yet another of our public-health-vs.-private-individual-desires debate.

"I see you're putting up your lights early this year..."

I paused, knowing where this was leading and looked at him. I nodded once.

"Are you going to put up anything else? Join the group?"

I sighed. It was inevitable. At least he hadn't sent his cronies down to "talk to me" this time.

"We've gone over this already. I do not want to create something," and gestured at his yard, "this massive. You have to put it away after the season. You have to store it. You have to PAY for it before, during and after. If a bulb goes out on one of your stringers, the whole line is dead... Until you find that single bulb. Gahdzferbid you should have multiple bulbs go out..."

"That's insignificant to the joy you bring others. We've had people /stop by/..."

"That's the other thing. You're creating a nuisance -- traffic-wise and people-wise -- by your creation."

"Buddy..."

"Bud," I interrupted. "You have your feelings on the subject, I have mine. We are in separate camps and we should consider the subject closed. You recruited your few sheeple. That should make you happy. Besides, if you make this a competition with the city, they're going to start sending out inspectors. They don't like the competition."

"Bah. We handled last year's..."

I shook my head and sighed. Obstinate knob.

There was a long pause. "So... What'dya think?" He held up the new line of glowing chilis.

I smiled, in spite of myself. "If they make you happy, then I'll live through it. What's TMFW(it)W¹ think?"

He sheepishly smiled, "She says I need a hobby. I tell ya! I got one!" And with that, he started whistling and went back to stringing up his latest addition. I looked over his yard one more time. Every year, I hope he can't add anything more, and every year, he surprises me by doing just that.

The Ranger

¹ The Most Fertile Woman (in the) World.