How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1.. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months
2.. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside
of the walls.
3.. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then
pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
4.. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can,
pay $10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing
5.. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6.. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up
to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10
degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that
they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7.. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8.. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".
9.. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at
6am and read it to you.
10.. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and
hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at
11.. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s ok
for you to leave your house before 3pm.
12.. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then
board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After
the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and
family through the front window of your home…you can’t leave until the
next day you have duty.
13.. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14.. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).
15.. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every
16.. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."
17.. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway
3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your
brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the
18.. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19.. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and
seasoning you can get your hands on.
20.. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow
each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21.. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22.. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch
CNN and the Weather Channel.
23.. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played
in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to
watch and then show a different one.
24.. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25.. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26.. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it
27.. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get
28.. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the
dead bodies of your co-workers.
29.. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.
30.. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone,and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under
attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General
quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")
31.. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without
checking the pantry and refrigerator.
32.. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that
you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at
least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that
you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily
until they don’t pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask
for hot dogs.
33.. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in
the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34.. In the middle of Jan
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