"Perfect" lawns are hideous

[Mean Mr Mustard]

Look fake, poisonous and manufactured by Chem-Lawn. Gimme clovers, dandelions, mole trails, grub damage and moss any day.

[bizbee]

On 13 Aug 2006 14:50:01 -0700 in , "Mean Mr Mustard" graced the world with this thought:

Ah, listen! The call of the guy that's too lazy to take care of his lawn..!

[chessdave]

His house is probably the same too!

[raycruzer]

Some people believe that our society's fixation with lawns causes considerable environmental problems including water depletion, pesticide and herbicide pollution, habitat degradation, and threats to biodiversity. The National Lawn Conversiion Program

advocates pulling out your grass and replacing it with native plants. Once it's done, you save time in maintaining your garden (for us lazy folks), save on chemicals, water and machines (plus gas) to keep on mowing lawns.

For more info on lawn conversions and examples of converted lawns, visit the Ergonica World of Weeds website weeding tips page.

What does having an expensive lawn really mean?

[e-mail] wrote:

[cat daddy]

Thank you, raycruzer. The truly lazy are those who resort to chemical quick fixes and wasteful practices that are environmentally devastating combined with the requisite arrogance of ignorance. There was a recent article of a woman who pours more water on her lawn per month than I use in three years, and she wasn't the most egregious example.

[Walter R.]

Here is my take on lawns: See item 12 "Lawn Mowers"

[James]

You are right. It's the American way.

[Jangchub]

I almost hate to bring politics into this, but on 60 Minutes last Sunday, Mike Wallace did his alpha dog thing with the president of Iran and he was knocked off his stealth.

The Iranian was intelligent, tried to give answers, but was shut down and asked to make simple answers of yes and no to many of his complex questions.

I looked at that and thought, The Ugly American. I wonder if Wallace has a lawn!

[Joshua Putnam]

So, let me see if I have this right.

The president of Iran used to be the mayor of Baghdad, and he's part of a greater Arabic culture.

What's an Arabic-speaking Iraqi doing as president of Persia? Couldn't find any qualified Iranians for the job?

Guess that means the Iranians are over the resentments of the Iran-Iraq war....

[Diogenes]

Yikes...my head was up my...

I meant mayor of TEHRAN!

Sorry.

Diogenes

[vincent p. norris]

Let's see what God might have to say about this:

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. Then haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[Persephone]

This. Is. THE. Best !!!!

Am sending it to all my garden (and some non-garden) friends, Author, may I have permission to send it to my local newspaper?

TIA

Persephone

[...snip...]

[Persephone]

Really surprising that no one in this thread has mentioned the danger to babies and children from playing on lawns poisoned by weed-killers and other harsh lawn chemicals. Many parents will not let their children play on a friend's lawn unless they check with the parents about chemical use.

Persphone

[JoeSpareBedroom]

There's no point in mentioning it. Think about the two sides of that debate. The stoopids who think the chemicals are safe will never believe otherwise because they CANNOT believe otherwise. These ideas are too closely intertwined with so many others, including politics. Ditch one idea and you may have to ditch a dozen others.

[Jangchub]

This is the 21st century. We've been warning people about pesticide poisoning by laying on, and walking barefoot on lawns treated with every manner of toxic waste. If, by this century people don't know how to read a label, or know these things should not be used, maybe they're just ignorant and why bother.

[JoeSpareBedroom]

A former neighbor told me that the stuff Chem Lawn was spraying on her grass was not unsafe if it drifted onto my vegetable garden. Why? "How could they sell it if it wasn't safe?"

54% of the population's just like that.

[vincent p. norris]

Hi, Persephone--

As far as I now, anything that comes down from Heaven is in the public domain. IOW, I'm not the author, and I don't know who is. Feel free.

vince norris

[Jangchub]

Chem Lawn uses a mix of herbicide with its fertilizer. The herbicide does not harm the grass, but it kills other weeds.

[JoeSpareBedroom]

Are you responding to my paragraph, which began with "A former neighbor"? If so, please try again. What you said is not pertinent to the issue.

[Persephone]

Respectfully disagree. I thought myself well-informed on such environmental issues, but it took a visit to a friend who didn't let her child play on pesticide-ed lawns to raise my consciousness.

I suspect there are many well-intentioned people out there who have never had the issue come to their attention, and who would take swift action once they were informed.

The question is how to get the information out there.

Maybe PSAs on TV?

Persephone