Tool Guide

[Joe AutoDrill]

Stole this from anther forum I frequent...

Tool Guide:

HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leather and fabric products.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, 'Ouc....'

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to the ground, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Regards, Joe Agro, Jr. [phone]

[Teamcasa]

sniped a very funny description of tools.

I saw that as a poster in a friend of mine's hangar last year! Made a copy and sent it to my mechanics!

Dave

Posted Via Usenet.com Premium Usenet Newsgroup Services

---------------------------------------------------------- ** SPEED ** RETENTION ** COMPLETION ** ANONYMITY **

----------------------------------------------------------

[WillR]

Now I can happily face installing some more drawer slides with a good sense of humor...

ROTFLMAO

Not that I have ever done any of those things or used tools in the way described. I know some people in this group have done so -- but not me!!

[Bill Daly]

Great stuff Joe, I have been fortunate to use all those tools in the ways described; must be a world-wide phenomenon.

Cheers, Bill, New Zealand

[John Flatley]

Joe,

Thanks for sharing the tool guide. I took the liberty to drop a few non-woodworking tools and add a few others. I welcome any additional entries. Here is a new Tool Guide.

Jack Jacksonville, Florida

New Woodworking Tool Guide

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. This tool can mark parts for later identification. Can replace pliers in an emergency.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leather and fabric products.

SANDPAPER: Old fashioned way to produce ?sawdust.? It comes in a variety of grits. It can be used to remove marks left by handplanes (Note: the term sandpaper dust never quite seemed to fit in the woodworkers vocabulary.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

SAWDUST: Originally this material was produced by saws, and was the primary output of woodworking projects. Of late, the term has evolved to mean any very, very, very small pieces of wood produced by a variety of woodworking tools, both electric and hand powered. (See TABLESAW)

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

DOVETAIL SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

CLAMPS: A holding device you never have enough of.

PLIERS: The primary tool used to pound nails. They can be used to round off bolt heads, if nothing else is available.

BENCH GRINDER: This spinning aluminum oxide wheel, driven by an electric motor, is designed to remove metal from edged tools. Careless operation can result in some tools occasionally being sharpened.

FINISH: Sawdust magnet until cured. Sometimes refers to an applied material or surface coat designed to attract sweating drink glasses and lighted cigarettes.

PLANS: A post project documentation requirement. Plans are sometimes used to protect the workbench top from glue, stain and varnish. Plans are sometimes used to wrap fish for disposal.

CHISELS: This tool must be sharpened and honed. The most important use of this hardened steel bar is to shave the hair off the back of your hand, wrist or arm.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat wood stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly varnished part you were drying.

DOZUKI: An influential handsaw from Japan. Has a lot of pull.

WOODWORKING MAGAZINES: Descriptions of what other woodworkers are doing and you wish you could. This woodworking literature is available wherever magazines and books are sold. However, you must pay an annual subscription fee if you intend to tease and torture yourself properly.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, ?Ouc....?

GLUE: Sweet smelling concoction secretly developed by clamp manufacturers to sell more product. Also holds pieces of wood together.

ROUTER: An electric wood-removing tool. This tool is the primary rival of the tablesaw for producing a sawdust-like pile of wood. Owning a router is a prerequisite for having a large collection of expensive, small, sharp tools called bits.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters you can feel but cannot see.

WOOD RASP: The voice of an asthmatic tree in the spring with pollen in the air.

TELEPHONE: A modern invention intended to disrupt your work. Primary tool of people trying to sell you something you don?t need. Can sometimes be used to call distant stores to confirm they are out of stock of whatever item you need right away.

HARDWOOD: A staple of any woodworking effort. This expensive tree product is used to make furniture that would otherwise be cheaper to buy at a furniture store. Excellent source of sawdust!

MDF: Mighty Darn Fine substrate for wood veneer to fool folks into thinking it is solid hardwood.

SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, but; is used primarily for getting dog-doo off your boot.

CRAFTSMAN ½ x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

HANDPLANES: A family of tools developed to produce fine wood shavings. These fine shavings are the major competitor of sawdust for creating the illusion of real work being done.

RIP/CROSSCUT SAW: See dovetail saw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

CUTOFFS: Scrap pieces of wood longer then planned because the good piece was ½ inch too short. (See TABLESAW)

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a brad nailer or HVLP spray gun. Money wasting replacement for a hammer and paint brush.

TABLESAW: A tool used to cut wood parts ½ inch too short. It can also produce a significantly large quantity of sawdust. It is usually the primary sawdust generator in most home workshops.

WORKBENCH: A large, sturdy table that acts as a junk magnet. No matter how often the top is cleared, there is never room to work on anything.

TOOL CATALOGS: Stuff dreams are made of!