You know the difference between a fairy tale & a "sea story" don't you
Well, you ain't gonna believe this sh*t . . related to me by family. My
father had a garage & maintenance contract when they were building a local
rail commuter line around here in the 30's(far enough back they were using
old Model T "gravity dump" trucks). You ever hear of a Model T
coil?(vibrator, feed it power, it starts sparking) Seems they had a decrepit
old wooden chair in the shop held together with wire & nails, etc., and a
couple nails in the seat were wired to a coil, with a switch mounted on a
post nearby. You guessed it, newcomers got to sit in the *company* chair
while a coffee break/BS session was going on, until someone decided it was
time to energize them!
Well, yeah, I do believe it, though completed the circuit might be difficult.
We used to take an old Ford hotshot coil and wire it to a wall locker while a
guy was taking a shower. When he came flip-flopping out, naked but for a towel,
he's reach for the wall locker handle and we'd toss a bucket of water onto the
floor cover his feet and the metal legs of the lockers.
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave
it to. " Dorothy Parker
I knew a machinist years ago that used to be in the navy. The captain
was always complaining to him that the coffee wasn't strong enough (he
was a cook on board), no matter how strong he made it.
One day while on shore leave, he found a spoon made from eutectic
alloy (low melting temperature below 212 degrees F). He bought it,
and used it the next time the cap'n wanted coffee. As he delivered
the requested cup and saucer, the spoon was on the saucer and he told
the captain, "I hope the coffee is strong enough *this* time, sir."
The chief put the spoon in to stir the beverage, noticed something
amiss, pulled it out to find it was partially gone, looked furtively
about to see if anyone was watching, then quietly pitched it overboard.
Nothing was ever said again about coffee being strong enough.
I have a friend that once worked at a printing shop. They routinely broke
in a new employee by making him/her get the "paper strecher". I'm told the
search usually took all day.... Phils got it -> Phil: Daves got it -> Dave:
Saras got it ->... Great way to meet the whole staff!
I worked at a telecom power supply manufacturer in the QC department and
part of the job was testing, and more often than not, repairing the problem
in place. We kept a small box of wire scrap and, if we were lucky, had a
roll of the necessary wire by the bench, but on occasion we came up short.
At one point I asked the new guy to go get the supervisor and bring back the
cable stretcher for a wire that was just a bit too short. We all watched as
he waddled off to the supervisors area and asked for the special tool (which
was in fact him).
Working part time in the post office many years ago I was asked to go get
the bag stretcher from the basement for the mail bags. Yeah I looked...
then caught on... :-)
Sometimes the newbies don't even need any encouragement from the
old guys. Years ago I was assigned a newly hired tech and I told him he
could fix a particular production line tester that was reported down again.
An hour later he walks back with a big smile on his face, a fuse in his hand,
and announces "I found the problem. The fuse is shorted!" A legend was
born that day.
First day on the job at McDonald's, back in high school... This guy I sort
of knew who was a friend of a friend kind of character... I didn't know
him well, but I knew him better than anyone else in the place, so I sort of
looked to him for guidance my first day on the job.
We got three busses, and in the middle of the ensuing chaos, he said "Quick,
get [the manager] to give you the keys. You need to run back to the
storage cage and get sesame seeds for the buns!"
So I did... Left my work area and went running around to find the boss,
then I asked her for the keys. "@%#!#^#%$ WHAT THE @#%@#!%#!# ARE YOU !
$!#!#@$!@$ KEYS FOR #!%!#%!#%!# YOU @#!%!@#%!@#%!@#%"
I almost got fired on the spot.
(Wow she was a BITCH. Hoooo boy she was a bitch. Thinking back, that was
the worst job I ever had, hands down. Paving roads was better, barely, and
paving roads SUCKS.)
Michael McIntyre ---- Silvan < firstname.lastname@example.org>
Linux fanatic, and certified Geek; registered Linux user #243621
When I was an electronics technician in the Navy back in the days of vacuum
tubes, I happened to see my best friend standing at the FASRON parts counter
with a long line of grumbling sailors behind him. The stock clerk was
nowhere in sight.
"Whatcha waiting for, Stinky (Steineke)?"
"The chief sent me after a fallopian tube."
I managed to get him away before the stock clerk came back mad. The chief
had gotten both of them.
Oh, come on! No wonder he couldn't get one. Everybody knows fallopian tubes
come in pairs.
Other items to be sent for in the USN:
100' of water line
sound powered telephone batteries
gas tight envelopes
Or you could be sent to the galley with a message for Barney Noble.
(The barney noble is the air vent over the stove.)
My first real job was with a sheetmetal contractor. Nasty old coot with a
heart of gold. When he sent me out to the truck for a pair of left handed
snips. I told him your not going to get me with that old one, left handed
snips HA HA.
He jumped all over me and told me to get my ass out to the truck and bring
him the snips with the green handles. They really were left handed snips.
There's the classic left-handed monkey wrench. But be careful, they *do*
exist -- they're just extremely rare. I happen to have one that I
inherited from my grandfather -- confusing as *hell* to use, till you
get used to it; it has a *left-hand* thread on the jaw adjustment
And the 'gallon of striped paint'.
Around the harbor, a request to fetch 50' of "shore line".
Around airplanes, "a bucket of prop wash", also "10' of alieron trim".
Don't forget the 'round tuit' -- the victim gets a raise, as soon as you
get a 'round toit'. and send him searching for one.
The April issue of Scientific American, particularly the "Amateur Scientist"
colum, going back many years, was often good for some _really_ funny stuff.
there is a tech-spec data-sheet running around somewhere, for a truely
famous IC chip. A "write-only memory". (anybody who understands much about
electronics, and is -not- familiar with it, is strongly encouraged to Google,
or similar, for it.)
Then there's the acronym games. Things like IITYWIGMAQ (Or substitute a K
for the Q, if in mixed company) What's _that_ mean? "If I tell you, will
you give me a quarter?" (or 'kiss').
A good friend's mom used to work in a law office... Sending the summer
student to the stationer's for a box of "verbal agreement forms" was a
I work for a newspaper. Until we went direct to plate, we ran a couple
of imagesetters (basically high-end laser printers that produce film
negatoves rather than paper prints). One of our new staffers was sent
to another department to see if they had any "liquid elliptical
halftone dots" as we were out.
The head of that department ripped the poor guy a new one, ranting
about the extravagance of using liquid in our department when his
department had to buy the dry stuff and mix their own.
We used to send the young ones out for some ST-1's (Spelled out it stone's.)
But beware. When it was tried on me I spent three days at home drinking beer
and getting paid. I'd call in every few hours to say I was sent to different
places to get them. The people in the shop thought it was funny until the
found out what I did.
Sometimes the newbies are smarter.....
Working as a student at a Canadian Forces Base Trades shop, another student
was sent to the paint shed at the far back of the yard to find the
checkered paint. Took him all day. And as it was the paintshop foreman who
sent him, well needless to say his frustration ws his own fault....
meanwhile on another bent.... seen in a hardware retailers trade mag....
the CEO of a major big box store being given an aura of "tool knowledge" by
his PR folks was pictured on the cover holding a woodie jointer plane. Too
bad the blade was upside down, and the wedge was under the blade.
Same mag, different issue, a major woodscrew mfg had a double page spread
advertising their wares with a large picture of a wood screw . Someone
reversed the negative, cause it was a "left handed" thread.
Or the small town hardware store being scoped out for parts for old
tools....in response to the question "do you have any plane blades" clerk
(the one who musta spilled the purple paint on her hair) responds "do you
Big box, small box, they all dumb down at the same rate.
I work for an agricultural newspaper in western Canada... a number of
years ago we ran an ad for a dessicant for field peas (dries the peas
prior to combining).
The press crew thought there had to be something wrong with the "after"
photo and worked their asses off to make it nice and green... Too bad
it was supposed to be brown.
TRUE story -- this also happened during the making of at least one of
the STAR TREK episodes. Don't remember the precise name of the episode,
it's the one where they're on the planet, with the "Servers of Baal".
The planet has a -green- sky. For most of the first _week_ of shooting,
the prints kept coming back with the sky turned blue. So the prop
department makes it greener. On day 4, the film lab sends a note:
"What ARE you guys doing out there?? It's getting almost impossible
to process this and maintain a sky-blue color."
The memo that was fired off in response, was, well, *memorable*.
Many years ago, I went into a Radio Shack, looking for a piece of TV
test/alignment equipment. Ask the saleskid if they had a "bar dot generator"
(it generates test paterns, including color-bars and a grid of dots.) He
looked real puzzled for a second, then his face lit up, as he replied
"Sure! If you want to generate them yourself" and showed me a Morse-code
I couldn't decide whether to laugh, or cry.
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