rec.woodworking ANTI-FAQ Part 8 of 10 - Finishing

8. FINISHING 8.1 HOW DO I REMOVE PAINT ON AN ANTIQUE? Sandblasting works best and gives you that antique old barn look. Belt sanders work almost as well.
8.2 HOW DO I GET RID OF CAT URINE STAINS? Make a pushstick. See #7.3.
8.3 HOW DO I MAKE A TACK CLOTH? Take a crowbar and force the wallet out of your pocket. Once you've successfully completed that task, use the crowbar to extract a one dollar bill. Hand bill to clerk at hardware store. Wait for change unless you're a Rock-a-fella. See Crowbar FAQ.
If the crowbar trick does not work, get a clean, lint-free rag and soak it in linseed oil. Wring it and bunch it up. Pile some plane shavings around the rag to absorb the excess oil. Then use the fire insurance money to buy tack rags at the hardware store.
Tung oil was originally made in China by extracting the oils from the tongue of a particular kind of chicken (the Chinese Showy Red, to be exact). Like gunpowder and paper, the Chinese invented this finish long before Europeans were even walking, but the Brits changed the name to "tung" to avoid the obvious negative connotations of animal by-products.
More recently, the Peruvians have imported the Chinese Reds and improved the oil production by crossing the line with a Peruvian chicken (I forget the name), so, like coffee, most of our tung oil comes from South America. Obviously, PETA and Greenpeace and the like have waged a world-wide campaign against using tung oil, which has prompted American manufacturers (who always capitulate to us radical enviro's) to look for other sources. Hence, they've developed linseed oil, which comes from the seed of the linoleum tree.
Rob Stokes added: You forgot to mention that during the migration to South America, the Chinese Showy Red was also inadvertently bred with a Mexican chicken called the Araucana. The Araucana is known for laying eggs of various colors [sic] and is often called the "Easter chicken". On rare occasions, if the tongue oil is extracted from one of these birds where the recessive tonal gene actually surfaces, the result is some beautifully toned raw material. Often the color [sic] needs to be "worked" a bit through a refinement process, but the results can be staggering.
8.5 HOW DO I FINISH TOYS? Your best bet is to use a toxic tropical hardwood and do not finish it at all. Old lead paint also works because of its durability. If it has lasted that many years on walls, it will be child resistant.
8.6 WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A CUTTING BOARD? Lead paint. Adds a nice salty flavour (flavor, Floyd) to the food.
8.7 HOW DO I FINISH CHERRY? Stain and poly. Paint also works well in hiding the ugly grain. The stuff will turn dark anyway, so no point wasting much time on the finish. Besides, you don't want anybody coming on your furniture, do you? Don't use linseed oil as it will turn your cherry into a blob of cellulose in no time by disintegrating the lignin.
8.8 WHAT IS THE BEST FINISH FOR A WOODEN LAWN ORNAMENT? Lighter fluid and a match. Gasoline (petrol, Jeff) will also work.
8.9 HOW DO I FINISH THE EDGE OF PLYWOOD? Belt sand it and paint it, same as anything else.
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