WASHINGTON, D.C. (Rooters) - Senior Bush administration officials have
confirmed that presidential advisor Condoleeza Rice did not step down
from her post, as was previously reported. Instead, Ms. Rice has been
fired for her role in what Washington insiders are already referring
to as "Clampgate." According to an initial investigation led by
Senator Gross In-Stabil, Rice was involved in a plot at the very
highest levels of government to conceal what it knew about the
presence of "Cabinet Master" clamps.
As Senator Gross In-Stabil described the events, "the administration
knew there weren't any clamps to go along with these widely circulated
claims. In fact, they were warned by the CIA and FBI that the presence
of mass amounts of clamps (MAC) was incorrect, and urged the
government not to support those claims."
According to Bush administration pundits, "there certainly are clamps
out there. Somewhere. We have troops on the ground looking for them,
and expect informants to step up and provide information in exchange
for very generous gift cards (available only by mail)." Other leaks
from unidentified government officials claim that there were, indeed,
more than enough clamps to go around, but that the supply was
tragically destroyed in the "Great California Barbecue" of 2003.
An ongoing investigation is looking into allegations that Vice
President Dick Cheney and had recently purchased a large amount of
stock in the Bessey Corporation.
Film at 11:00.