When I was young I always thought my grandmother was always saying that my parting was as straight as a donkey's iron leg!
I must have been in my teens before I ever saw it written down but I'd always understood what she meant because, to me, the legs of an iron donkey would have been just as bent!
My grandma's sister was apparently called Arlouisa. Gran always referred to her as 'Our Louisa'.
I thought that when someone was dismissed from work they literally got the sack -- over their head.
In every police station there was an enormous tank of custard. Anyone remanded in custody was obviously dunked in it.
All dogs were boys. All cats were girls.
Mrs Gallagher at school had her hair arranged so that when viewed from the front it looked like she had a ladder rung fixed behind her head and sticking out on each side. Odd ladder rungs were familiar to me because my dad used to make ladders. The name Gallagher and the word ladder were similar enough to confirm the ladder rung behind her head theory. I ignored how she looked from the back.
The Infants' headmistress was Miss Greenhow. We sung, "There is a greenhow far away..." It must have been about her when she had been on holiday at Cleethorpes, which was far away.
If I could manage to direct my urine so that it went exactly into the middle of the drain cover in the urinals the urine would go down the middle of the pipe all the way to Cleethorpes, which as everyone knew was where all drains enter the sea.
Mr Harrison had a head that looked like a roast chicken.
The little room on top of the hall was where they took you to cane you to death (I later found out it was merely the tank room).
If you drank milk and orange juice together they curdled inside you and made a solid lump and you died.
We are all robots. The world is a giant experiment by aliens. I gradually abandoned this belief when I was eleven.
Women have a hole between their legs between their front bottom and their back bottom and that's where babies come out.
The crack between Mrs Johnson's large breasts goes right through her and comes out at her bum.
Bill
I only used to remmebr a few lines of The Lords Prayer when I was at school and just mumbled the rest
The Lords Prayer
Our father, who farts in heaven, allo be our name, thy kingdum done,
and that was about it.
The next time I had to think about the Lords prayer was in the mid 80s when I was asked "do you think I should put the lords prayer in German or English on the B side of my single".
I said in German because I don't know the words and it sounds better that way.
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