Only Fools & Handymen...

[The Medway Handyman]

Anyone remember that wonderful episode of Only Fools & Horses with the chandelier?

So, there I was fitting a 9 arm chandelier for a regular customer, this one;

(the chandelier, not the customer).

Large plaster ceiling rose to be fitted as well.

Job was on the landing, easy access to the other side of the ceiling via the loft. Couple of 4" screws through the hook bracket & the rose, right into a joist - good strong fix.

One of those light fittings where you hang it on a hook & slide up a cover to conceal it.

Hung the chandelier on the hook, poked the cable through a hole in the rose. went up into the loft to wire up.

Cable coming through the hole wasn't 'quite' long enough to reach the JB, so knowing there was still a bit of slack I pulled the cable up a bit.

That wasn't the problem.

Letting go of the cable was. It started to disappear back through the hole. I'd inadvertently lifted the chandelier off the hook.

An almighty crash followed, then a series of crashes. They were the sounds of the chandelier hitting the banisters, then bouncing down the stairs.

Came down the loft ladder like lightning to find a pile of mangled chandelier & glass droplets.

No choice but to buy the lady a new one, even with a 15% voucher it was £85!

Not a good day today :-(

[Rod]

As I started reading I got images of Catherine the Great crossed with the gathering of the clansmen:

The village drunk, he was there, Acting very loud, Hanging from the chandelier, And pissing on the crowd.

Then you started screwing and sliding, poking and pulling, and coming through the hole.

Where did you get this filth?

[John Rumm]

Indeed...

I wonder who's face had the better expression? ;-)

[Appollo]

I'm amazed you have ANY customers by letting everyone know what a poor workman you are. I certainly wouldn't employ a cowboy such as yourself!

[R D S]

You dipstick!

[Owain]

Couldn't you argue that was a fault with the product or the instructions and get a replacement free from B&Q

Not a very profitable day, anyway.

You might be able to sell the droplets on Ebay though

Owain

[ARWadsworth]

So speaks Mr Perfect who has never had an accident or made a mistake.

I count among my mistakes and accidents

1) Reversing over a customers dog that was asleep behind my van 2) Locking a customer out of the house (their fault for having stupid locks) 3) Getting a customer pregnant 4) Breaking a vase that cost £100

Shit happens

Adam

[A.Lee]

The Medway Handyman wrote:

Tuesday was my dire day. Doing a bathroom, took the rad off to fit the tiles, put the rad back on, opened the valves, water came through fine. Turn on boiler to check - boiler dead. Hmm, pump was noisy - air in system, check vent on boiler, whcih was blocked, clear it, but still no water coming through the boiler. Think about things, looked in the tank - easily 2 inch of silt/sludge in there. Check flow from header tank, by cutting into pipe above boiler - nothing. OK, blocked feed pipe, took it apart, got a pile of crap out of it, Shite, this is not looking good at 4pm. Clear tank, check flow - good flow at 6" above the boiler, so reconnect. Nothing. Think for ages, hum and arr about air locks etc. Have to call out CORGI man at 6pm. It is a regular occurence he says, system hasnt been touched for years, the moment any new water is needed, all the silt will enter the boiler piping, and block at a T joint. So he dismantles the likely spot, and sure enough the blockage is solid.Cleared out, reassembled, water is still only trickling through. Another hour of taking apart unions etc, and he gives up, boiler needs to be stripped down to clear all the pipes out. He only wanted £80, which I thought was rather good, so I gave him £100. He came back on Wednesday to clear the pipes, took him 2 hours, now he has the job of cleaning the whole system - this is in a house where she has an annual service contract - the chap said "this boiler hasnt been serviced for years" - he showed me the outer seal not sealing, black soot around the outside - fumes escaping thorugh the unsealed flue, and obviously no hint of inhibitor or flushing of system for years.

Alan.

[Tim Downie]

Thanks for sharing though. ;-)

Tim

[Andrew Gabriel]

It's my favourate scene.

Thanks for that -- made my day.

Was the lady of the house in when this happened?

[fictitiousemail]

Extremely funny that one .

Could have been worse .She could have been under it when you let go ..!!!

[TheOldFellow]

Ah, well, confession is good for the soul. You may not be =C2=A385 richer, but think of the heavenly discount vouchers.

God Bless, R.

[The Wanderer]

Very brave of you to share that misfortune with us, and it did make Oi chuckle!

[Huge]

Oh, dear. Apologies for laughing...

At least it didn't break a priceless family heirloom on the way down.

[Huge]

[Lobster]

Would that before or after you ran over her dog and locked her out?

[pjlusenet]

Thanks for sharing!

A few months ago I was putting my daughter's Ikea wardrobe together. Their PAX range, the sides are over 7ft high and it's all chipboard. I'd built one secton on the floor, without problem, but this one was twice as wide. I should have built it vertically but decided to do it the same way as before BUT (crucially) I had to rotate it 90 degrees due to lack of space. I assembled the base, top and sides BUT didn't put on the backing board - no room. I now had a rectangle of wood about 7ft by 3ft with NO bracing (the backing board) and stupidly tried to lift one end off the floor.

My daughter was holding the other end saying "I don't think this is a good idea Dad" and, sure enough, the rectangle changed into a parallelogram. The top end I was lifting broke from its fixings and dropped onto the lower piece. It broke, very neatly, exactly half way.

So a 20 miles each way trip and £50 later I did it the right way.

I thought of trying to re-create the event for You've been Framed (I've now got a spare side of a wardrobe) so I'd come out ahead but the family aren't interested! Any ideas what to do with one side of a wardrobe?

[The Medway Handyman]

Didn't you nail a cat under the floorboards a while ago?

:-)

[Bob Minchin]

So that was the second mistake with a pussy!

[ARWadsworth]

That was not one the customers cats. It was the neighbours cat. That cat should not have been there. I counted all the customers cats when I replaced the floorboards

Adam