Way OT: Loon Over MyYammy

[HeyBub]

I went to HEB [a local food market chain] tonight.

I got a cart from the outside cart collection.

I passed a mountain of yams - six for a dollar. "Hmm," said I, "that seems reasonable." So I bagged up six and pushed my cart inside.

After about ten feet, I determined the shopping cart was a less-than-optimum shopping cart. I reversed course, shoved the cart out the door, and headed for the cart corral to get another mount.

The door warden, a portly, black, female private security guard caught up with me and asked, somewhat stridently, "Do you have a receipt for those vegetables?"

"No," I said.

SHE GRABBED MY ARM and muttered something about leaving the store with un-receipted merchandise.

I looked at her hand squeezing my biceps. I looked in her eye. I said "Take your hand off me or you'll be picking up your teeth from the sidewalk with broken fingers."

She let go.

Another security guard joined the fracas. "What seems to be the problem?" he inquired. "He's leavin' without no receipt!" the security agentette insisted. "This cart's broken," I offered. "I'm trying to get another."

"Go ahead," the sensible guard offered.

"He ain't goin' nowhere with these vegetables!" insisted the guardette. Then she CONFISCATED MY YAMS! That's exactly what she did. She grabbed my bag of sweet potatoes. She clutched it to her bosom.

"Let's go have a chat with the manager," I suggested.

So the three of us trooped off to the office. The manager asked what happened - the portly wannabe policewoman told her side. I said her version was essentially correct, except she left out the part about grabbing me and trying to throw me to the ground (little hyperbole here).

I summed up by saying: "I didn't go to law school, spend eight years as a deputy sheriff, and retire after twenty-two years in the JAG Corps without learning the definition of assault." (slight exaggeration) Then I offered an observation that HEB evidently recruits security guards from the universe of those who failed their TSA training.

The manager blanched. He began to twitch.

The episode ended with me having a functioning cart and a free bag of yams.

[Molly Brown]

Here in California we=92re starting to eliminate disposable grocery bags. Everyone will have to bring their own bundle of re-usable bags into the store. Just watch the fireworks when people forget something in their car or change their minds and walk out of the store with a bundle of empty grocery bags under their arm.

[HeyBub]

Perhaps you should brush up on the definition of "theft" (larceny) of which shoplifting is a subset.

Theft requires intent on the part of the actor. Intent can, of course, be inferred from the actions of the actor, almost always when the actor removes himself and the merchandise from the seller's environs. In my case, however, the produce section was an open-air patio contiguous with the main (indoor) vegetable department.

I didn't hie myself to the parking lot with the purloined potatoes; I didn't even make it to the sidewalk.

A couple of other interesting facts.

While Aunt Jemimah was rattling off her litany of insults, one of the check-out clerks approached the manager and said: "I know this fellow. He's a regular customer." (I never saw that clerk before in my life). And as I was checking out, another clerk mentioned that he hoped the guardette got fired (i.e., burned with fire). "Had trouble with her before, eh?" I asked.

"Constantly" he replied.

And, no, I didn't have to display my weapon.

[Red Green]

"HeyBub" wrote in news:F-OdnQeubZy4RXTRnZ2dnUVZ [e-mail]:

Yes yes! But how bout the rest of the story. Did you invite her over for yams? Are ya doin' her now?

Out of uniform but is this her?

need to stick together and be aware of this one.

[RicodJour]

It is most impressive that you got all gangster with some woman and were able to make life difficult, instead of just saying, "Fine, please watch my yams while I go get a functioning cart. Thanks." She was doing her job, and you were being an asshole. Which, evidently now that you're retired, is your new full time job. I'm surprised that you didn't give in to the urge to pull a gun in a supermarket. Then you could really brag about how tough you are.

What would have been the downside in asking her to watch your cart? I mean, sure, you would have missed one chance to be an asshole (twice if you count your being an asshole with the manager as separate asshole incidents), but besides that? You wouldn't have gotten to act tough with a woman and you would have missed an opportunity to be an asshole, but you would have gotten out of the store faster.

I realize that times are tough, but it's really not worth scamming people to get some yams without paying for them. Check your local Walmart - maybe they're looking for a greeter.

R

[HeyBub]

I disagree. First, to be accused of a crime automatically causes me to rise up in righteous indignation. I see no point in being civil to a presumptious and officious wannabe.

Secondly, when she laid hands on me she committed an assault, a criminal offense in our state.

Thirdly, and perhaps I did not make this point clearly enough, I was in the selling area of the store. Logistically there was no difference in my location and that of circling the bread rack.

She was way off-base and deserved all the contempt and scorn I could muster.

I should have had her ass thrown in jail, but I'll settle for the probability that she got fired.

Aside: I plan on visiting the same store in the next couple of days. I'll see if she's still on duty.

[G Mulcaster]

I disagree, while in the store you have not stolen anything. My interpretation is that this rule holds even if you are past the cash registers and in the area between the registers and the exit to the public sidewalk.

Thus, you cannot be accused of stealing until you exit the store. If accused while in the store, you are entitled to remedy. A false accusation if stealing is not held to be trivial.

Gary

[Caesar Romano]

Well said.

[George]

Nice story. Too bad you keep on forgetting that signature explaining your juvenile story telling as you acknowledged is solely designed to screw with people.

And you need to be more colorful. Why not weave in how you were also the chief astronaut on the shuttle rescue mission?

[HeyBub]

You are correct. The classic definition of assault is "serious threat to inflict physical harm coupled with the present ability to carry out that threat." A companion law against battery is the actual physical harm. Many states separate the two: there's a crime of "assault" and a crime of "battery."

My state combines the two. Specifically: [a)a person commits an offense when he:] (3) intentionally or knowingly causes physical contact with another when the person knows or should reasonably believe that the other will regard the contact as offensive or provocative...

c) An offense under Subsection (a)(2) or (3) is a Class C misdemeanor, except that the offense is: (1) a Class A misdemeanor if the offense is committed under Subsection (a)(3) against an elderly individual or disabled individual...

I fit the definition of "elderly." You can tell because my mustache is white.

Class C misdemeanor = Fine up to $500 (traffic offenses, public drunkeness, etc.) Class A misdemeanor = Fine up to $4000 + jail up to one year

P.S. I don't use derogatory terms to define the REST of the citizenry. I do find the appellations of squint, goblin, slope, gremlin, do-bad, goat, 'roided-up-primate, knuckle-dragger, hairy-backed, mope, etc., as shorthands for certain folks infesting the body politic. The vast majority of people are good, honest, hard-working citizens whose main goal in life is to avoid squints, slopes, gremlins, do-bads, mopes, and their relatives.

[HeyBub]

Funny you should mention that, I DID tell a lady in a bar that I was one of only 18 men to visit the moon. I humbly minimized my contribution by saying I was the one who drove the command module in orbit during Apollo 17, while Gene Cernan and Harry Schmitt did the actual surface duty.

The line didn't work so I abandoned it in favor of being an advisor to the last Maharajah of Punjab. I told stories of his harem ("Did you know the women in the harmem actually ...?"). This line had moderate success...

[RicodJour]

What a rube. You're trying to use technical definitions of the law to explain why you are an impolite, argumentative asshole. This wasn't a law/crime situation, it was a misunderstanding/impolite asshole situation.

Brilliant, Sparky, just brilliant. I suppose the store security guard also used profiling and pegged you as a scamming yam stealer. Someone down on their luck, short on brains and just stupid enough to try to walk out backwards and say they were just coming in. I'm sure she encounters that all of the time.

R

[HeyBub]

I said that was the "classic" definition. Again, the "classic" defintion of assault is the "THREAT to do bodily harm." My state defines it differently. Same word, different defintions.

In my state an assault occurs when a person " intentionally or knowingly causes physical contact with another when the person knows or should reasonably believe that the other will regard the contact as offensive or provocative."

As to who had the "present ability" to carry out a threat, you should know that she outweighed by at least fifty pounds.

'Course I had a gun, but it wasn't loaded with silver bullets, so I don't know for sure...

[FatterDumber& Happier Moe]

Shopping cart rage, the worst kind, get to some anger management classes ASAP.