June 5, 2009
Denver Colorado
A 59 year old man was scrambled this morning when the satellite dish became detached from his roof and attacked him. A witness said the dish began rotating very rapidly. Sparks were then emitted from the dish and a large cloud of smoke filled the sky as the dish flew off the roof, setting the home on fire. The dish then attacked the man, knocking him down, by repeatedly hitting him in the head. Within seconds the man was scrambled on his front lawn, resembling a scrambled egg. An elderly neighbor who suffers from alzheimers disease saw the scrambled man on the lawn, and thought it was his breakfast. He then ate the man with bacon bits, a dash of pepper and jelly toast. After breakfast, he entered the burning home and vanished. No traces of this neighbor have been found in the ruins of the home. It is believed that he was vaporized and has been transmitted to another televison network.
The identity of the man is being withheld, pending investigation. Dish Network was contacted, but they refuse to comment, saying they will be preparing a statement in the next century.
A church service and wake will be held at St. Coax Catholic Church at
7pm on Monday June 8, 2009. Father Brain Dedd will announce the funeral arrangements at the conclusion of the movie Jesus Christ Superstar which will be shown on the cable network at 8pm. Everyone is invited except satellite dish owners.
Robert Goldman, reporter The Courier News ©2009