Writing Contest: How to Repel Dog Owners

[Doug Kanter]

New house, new yard, new neighborhood, soon to be a massive garden. In my last 'hood, there were quite a few dog owners to deal with and I went directly from calm to ballistic with no in between. It worked, but twice, the police were at my house, ready with handcuffs, until they calmed down and realized that it's legal tell a dog owner that you'll murder their trash if they don't control it.

This time, I thought it might be better to begin more quietly. I need to word a sign perfectly. The target audience is so-called "good dog owners", the ones who clean up after their trash animals. They're the ones who try and convince you that even though it's your property, it's OK for them to stop there. And, I believe that even when the owner picks the stuff up, the scent is still of interest to other dogs. My initial thought (for small, tasteful signs) was simply "No Dogs for ANY Reason. Period."

Sounds boring, though, so I'm open to suggestions. The message I really want to convey is that the guy at this house may or may not be stable. I hope I'm not, but so far, I am.

A friend suggested this: "All Dogs Will Be Collected and Eaten"

Anyway, the best suggestion wins 27 virtual cold beers. :-)

[Weeble]

How about these:

Trespassing Dogs Owners Will Be Shot

Any Gifts Left Will Be Returned To Owners

You might also get one of those electrified invisible fences and install it around your yard. I believe there is a version which oesn't require the dog to be wearing a special collar. Something which would just give a bit of a zap and a small sign warning of the electric fence.

When I was a kid we had trouble with a neighbor whose dogs liked our yard. My mom asked several times for them to keep their dogs from using our yard and of course they didn't. So my mom collected the gift the next time the dogs visited and placed it right in front of their ront door, just where they would step in it. We didn't have any problems after that.

Except from cats which people let run wild outside. In my opinion people who let their cat out to roam the neighborhood to use the neighbor's flower beds as a toilet are just as bad as people who let their dog use the neighbor's yard as a toilet.

[Phisherman]

When I see a dog owner walking their dog on my lawn, I walk out to the street and ask them to not allow their dog on my lawn. This works 99% of the time, especially if you are holding a 22. Funny how I don't have to do this very often as there are very few people who walk their dogs on my street. I was surprised to find out that it is legal to kill an unleashed dog if it is on your property in my city. You might also consider taking pictures of both the dog owner and the dog on your property as evidence. I do not like signs, but "Keep off the Grass" is short and simple.

[Anonymous]

You seriously tell people you will kill their dog? Do you think the dog knows your lawn and garden belong to you and are not just a part of the earth it's walking on?

You need to get a grip.

If you're going to be mad at anyone, it should be the owners who are "the trashy ones" by letting their dogs shit on your property when they know you don't like it.

GOOD IDEA.

If you piss people off you aren't doing yourself or your garden any favors. You might come home one day to find it torn up instead of just "fertilized."

Dogs aren't "trash animals" just because they shit. You shit too, you know. And you aren't half as charming as a dog! ;)

You are waaaaaaaaaaaay too anal.

Why not just put a highly charged electrical fence around your property and hang shrunken heads from it. That should do the trick.

...I'm not sure people will know right off what that means without thinking about it a second, and by then their dog may be using your yard.

(Just introduce yourself...)

Go ahead... and every dog lover who walks by will encourage his dog to shit on your lawn, especially when you aren't there... and of those who pick up after their dog, some may decide to just leave it there as a present.

Please DO NOT stop here with your dog! Not even if you clean up after it! THX!

Direct. Clear. And hints to being polite about it. Which will get more people to cooperate, rather than less.

But what you need more than a sign is therapy... or learn how to meditate. Life is too short to sweat people who are cleaning up after their dogs! (It'd be one thing if you were only mad at people who don't!)

GOOD LUCK.

J.K.

[Anonymous]

Surely you aren't suggesting that killing a dog is a good solution?

Jesus Christ, what is this, the twilight zone? You sound like Taliban discussing whose hands to cut off.

Yeah... you might consider this. Not only is it a good idea, but it's actually SANE.

If I saw that I would think they meant people (like don't walk across the lawn to get to the front door, and if you are a kid, don't play on this lawn); not dogs.

JK

[Crimson Castle]

There used to be this jerk of a neighbour. He had this big labrador dog - and he would always go and let it defecate right in front of my front strip lawn. Small dogs I can take - but he had a big dog that had big crap... And when he kept on repeatedly doing it - what the hell is wrong with him??? The crappy thing is that his wife would yell at other dog owners.

Thankfully, the bugger moved out - and hopefully is staying next to a Hell's Angels gangleader who owns killer rottweillers.

anyhow, I had more important things to worry about - so I didn't let it get to me... unless I sat down for awhile and thought about it.... moreover I just didn't want an argument with the silly duffer. If I wanted to get even, I collect his dog's feces from my front lawn - then throw it onto his front door at 3am when noone is looking. If I was any younger - I'd collect my OWN feces and hurl it into his front door step at 3am randomly.

I guess you could post a sign outside your lawn stating that you are using an insecticide that is highly toxic to animals. Then casually warn passing dog owners about insecticide - make up some story - about how it "may" cause harm to their pets. You can also scatter highly hot chilli seeds onto the areas when the dogs crap.

Warning! Insecticide Being Used may be Highly Toxic to animals.

Usually what they can't be certain of - usually puts an extra fear in them.

[Anonny Moose]

Put up a fence for god's sake. Karen

[Doug Kanter]

You're responding to two people at once, but I know that last line was for me. So, try this. Almost any statement can contain more than one meaning. Please tell me all the possible meanings you see in this:

"I want to go out when it's dark and smell the moonflowers."

[Doug Kanter]

Actually, this worked once for me. The dog owner continually denied that her dog was running around the neighborhood. I knew where she lived. One night, her son was visiting. His gorgeous yellow Corvette was parked in the driveway. I lifted his windshield wiper, dropped the turd on the window, and lowered the wiper into it.

The dog was never seen again. Priceless.

[Doug Kanter]

Sorry, Karen, but zoning laws in virtually all cities prevent the construction of a fence where the lawn meets the street.

[zxcvbob]

"Please keep your dog off my grass :-)"

Plus (and this is the important part) a temporary electric fence. One wire, about a foot off the ground, electrified with something like a Red Snap'r #66:

You won't need it electrified for very long. If it's not a very big lawn, you should be able to use wooden stakes for the posts, but you will need to use plastic or porcelain insulators like a real electric fence.

Best regards, Bob

[Pam - gardengal]

Finally, someone with a reasonable solution to an extremely petty problem.

And might that be because where the lawn meets the street is actually an easement controlled by the city? Try moving the fence back onto your property and don't tell me that fences in front yards in "virtually all cities" are prohibited by zoning laws, cuz it's just not true. And even if your city does have such a law, why not consider planting a dog-unfriendly hedge of some sort, like barberries or rugosa roses? Certainly a lot easier than doing battle with your neighbors to the point where the cops are called or posting signs which beg to be ignored or more likely, willfully disregarded.

[Frogleg]

First, check the animal control regs so you'll know how far officialdom will go to support you. In fact, some exerpts from the municiple code could be on your sign.

I doubt that 'no dogs, ever, under any circumstances' would be viewed as reasonable.

[Ed Clarke]

"Caution: we have a gopher problem here and are using Victor leg-hold traps. Please keep all pets away. No tresspassing."

[Doug Kanter]

Pam, I like barberries, but not 75 of them, which is about what it would take to line my property's edge. Then, I have to trim them, as well as deal with them as I mow. If that happens, the dog owners have stolen TIME from me, something I have little enough of to begin with.

As far as a "petty issue", when you have to spend 15 minutes cleaning your shoes, and perhaps the better part of a day shampooing your carpet, that's not petty. That's a crime.

[Doug Kanter]

By "no dogs, ever...", I'm targeting dogs accompanied by humans who (I assume) can read. I can deal with the strays myself.

[Doug Kanter]

That sounds interesting. :-)

[Felice Friese]

Oh, I'll just bet you can!

Felice

[Anonny Moose]

dog-unfriendly

Next suggestion... get help with your anger issue. You can get meds to help with this obsession over a minor (yes, petty) problem. If you are daily, weekly, or even monthly spending a whole 15 minutes cleaning your shoes and a few hours cleaning the carpet then the time spent trimming a hedge would be minimal in comparison. Karen

[Doug Kanter]

You could get help, ma'am. How can you not see that it's pure, delicious fun to mess with dog owners? For that matter, *any* segment of the population that's brainwashed is fun to mess with.