McGowan's Drinking Guide (Translated from the original German. It's
Symptom Fault Action to be Taken
Drinking fails to give Mouth shut or glass Buy another pint, and
satisfaction and taste: applied to wrong practice before mirror.
shirt front wet part of face. Continue with as many
pints as necessary until
drinking technique is
Drinking fails to Glass empty. Find someone who
give satisfaction will buy you another
and taste; beer pint.
Feet cold and wet Glass held at Turn glass so that
wrong angle. open end is pointing
at the ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Incorrect bladder Stand by nearest dog -
control. after a while complain
to its owner about its
behavior + demand a
pint in compensation.
Bar blurred You are looking Find someone who will
through the buy you another pint.
bottom of your
Bar swaying. Air turbulence Insert broom handle
unusually high - down back of jacket.
may be due to darts
Bar is moving You are being Find out if you are
carried out being taken to
another pub - if not,
protest that you are
being kidnapped by the
You notice that You have fallen If glass is still full
the wall opposite over backwards and no one is standing
is covered with on your drinking arm,
ceiling tiles and stay put.
has a fluorescent
light strip across it.
Everything has You have fallen As for falling over
gone dim, and you over forwards. backwards.
have a mouthful of
cigarette butts and
Everything has The pub is Panic.
gone dark closing
Have awoken to find Have spent the night Look at watch to see
your bed hard, cold, in the gutter. if it is opening time -
and wet. Cannot see If not, treat yourself
bedroom walls. to a lie-in.
A man is not drunk, who from the floor
can rise again and drink some more
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