OT: Humor ... bear in the bar

[DIYGUY]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

........ You're gonna love this .........

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ...

[jo4hn]

Keep it comin'. I do like my boooooooze.

[Ba r r y]

He wasn't a hockey playing bear who drinks Molson Canadian that chicks dig?

Barry

[Richard Clements]

[charlie b]

GRRRRRoan.

[Lew Hodgett]

Ken went into a pet store, looking for a talking parrot.

"I have two parrots," said the pet store owner, "one that talks for $300 and one that doesn't for $50."

"Why doesn't the $50 bird talk?" asked Ken.

"Well," responded the owner, "the $50 parrot has a rare deformity of his beak that prevents him from talking.

There is just a little extra on his beak that would have to be shaved off, but it is a delicate operation and if too much is removed, the bird will die."

"I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist," responded Ken, "and can mill down to

0.001 inch tolerances.

I'll take the $50 bird."

"No," responded the owner, "it not worth the risk to the bird."

"But I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist," insisted Ken, thrusting $50 into the pet shop owner's hand.

After some argument, the pet shop owner finally relented, and Ken left with the $50 parrot.

The next day Ken returned to the store and tersely announced, "I'll take the $300 parrot."

"What?" exclaimed the pet shop owner, "You killed the other bird, didn't you!

You took too much off his beak and he died."

"No, that's not what happened," responded Ken.

"I'm a Lockheed Precision Machinist, and the required tolerances were no problem for me."

"If you didn't shave too much off his beak, then what happened?" asked the pet shop owner.

"Well," Ken hesitated, "I crushed his head in the vice."

Lew

[Lew Hodgett]

A young man named Lew received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Lew tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Lew was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. Lew shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

Lew, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Lew quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Lew's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Lew was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" --

[Nova]

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a ....................................... beer." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear replies, "I don't know but my dad had them too."

-- Jack Novak Buffalo, NY - USA (Remove "SPAM" from email address to reply)

[jo4hn]

A variant on an oldie but goodie:

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won?t talk to him.

The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He asks what do I have to do?

The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.

The man says he will do it. That night there?s a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down?s about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.

The Chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there?s a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,

Okeee now where?s the woman I gotta kill?

mahalo, jo4hn

[Larry Jaques]

On Tue, 23 Nov 2004 06:05:38 GMT, "Lew Hodgett" calmly ranted:

--snip--

Bloody 'ell. I knew I should have gone to the bathroom before reading that joke. ROTFLSHIAPMP!

-- Friends Don't Let Friends Eat Turkey and Drive --

[Pat Barber]

That's a good one Jack...

Nova wrote: