Dumb Southerners

[Stormin Mormon]

we are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are........

We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

1. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO.

2. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product?

1. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

2. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

1. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

2. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch?

1. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

2. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift?

1. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[jim]

1a: how many plastic milk case can you stack in your front yard??? 2a: do you put the old stove on top of the refrigerator or the old frig. on top?? 3a: do our stack the broom with the handle up or down on the front porch? 4a: if your cousin and a pig is on the porch with you do you grab the pig or your cousin??? 5a: what do you put in the old washer drum/tub that is sitting on the front porch???? these five added for extra credit......

[zxcvbob]

Handle down -- so it doesn't bend the straws.

Best regards, Bob

[Des Perado]

Good one, Stormin. Post more like that! Des

[EL]

Oh c'mon, that's simple! Fill it with ice and use it to cool the beer keg.

[AJScott]

Now THAT'S funny!!!! Thanks for the grin.

AJS

[Mortimer Schnerd, RN]

Sheeee-it.

[Stormin Mormon]

See below for answers. The answers were provided by a friend of mine who lives in Texas.

We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. Ans. 'Bout half the size of my liddle finger.

1. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO. Ans. The Fairlane of course. The other two were fixed up and used in a demo derby. And ya' shoulda seen that GTO go!

2. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? Ans. Four.

1. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? Ans. Depends. Is he a Baptist or a Catholic? If Assemblies, nix the Bud and bring on about 40 gallons of sweet tea.

2. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? Ans. Cain't be calc'lated. They done vented years ago.

1. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? Ans. Six or seven according to who's porch yore talkin' about.

2. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? Ans. Of course. Where else are they gonna' put them?

1. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? Ans. Whut are brakes?

2. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? Ans. None. Everybody I know has switched to them sissy ol' Marlboros.

1. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? Ans. Son, you ain't been there, have you? They have already generated 32 of them and as the gene pool gets shallower, production is goin' up. Sheesh, you don't seem to know nuthin.