Haynes Manual - The Real Meanings

..I expect it has been posted before, Good for a laugh though!
HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS
For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who haven't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily. Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip. Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.
Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Locate ... Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.
Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ... Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple). Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate). Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start. Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert). Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Locate securing bolt. Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin. Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw. Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain. Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one. Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting. Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap. Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.
Haynes: Top up fluids. Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.
For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?
The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!
THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:
Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.
Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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Always worth repeating for those who don't know it!
Mary

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There's no mention of Allen bolts: screws with a hexagonal hole which rounds off any hexagonal key you try to undo them with.
Or Torx keys: a failed attempt to alter the law of nature I've just described.
--
Sue ];(:)

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They only round off cheap allen keys. You need to buy high quality hard keys.
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On Thu, 24 Mar 2005 23:40:46 -0000, "top gear"

Chromium plated or "silver" allen keys tend to be a giveaway here, in both senses of the word.
Andrew
Please note that the email address used for posting usenet messages is configured such that my antispam filter will automatically update itself so that the senders email address is flagged as spam. If you do need to contact me please visit my web site and submit an enquiry - http://www.kazmax.co.uk
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I don't think I've ever seen them. Where can I get harder than Draper ones?
--
Sue ]:(:)

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snipped-for-privacy@blackhole.invalid says...

The Early Learning Centre?
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wrote:

Allen or Unbrako were imo the best but we use some shiny chrome sets at work from RS that are pretty good
Regards Jeff
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Usually by using a metric key in an A/F hole, or vice versa. ;-)

I've never had one of those give trouble - provided you make sure the hole is clear so the tool fits fully in.
Of course, lots of people don't notice it is a Torx, and use allen keys in it...
--
*I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth

Dave Plowman snipped-for-privacy@davenoise.co.uk London SW
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I have often daydreamed about going to Haynes with some of their mistakes and confronting them.
One of my personal favourites which must have cost people money was " with the camshaft in this position the engine can be turned over" No, it can't, the soon to be bent valves prevent it. In the same manual "the handbrake cable is self adjusting" The shoes are, but due to a quirky design, the cable isn't. etc. etc in every manual I have ever seen there are mistakes, and always on the most used/important bits.
mrcheerful
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Why haven't you?
When I've pointed out mistakes in instructions (not Haynes but technical scripts) the writers have always been grateful and have changed them in future print runs or included erratum slips. Anyone who cares doesn't mind being told about factual errors. The man who never made a mistake never made anything.

Mary
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On Thu, 24 Mar 2005 15:09:14 GMT, "mrcheerful

Going on 20 years ago I had a Metro - the rear screen washer pump packed up. The pump was attached to the washer bottle which was of some depth. I decided I could do it and got a new pump but couldn't see how to get the old one out. Off to Halfords and bought the Haynes manual, all nicely shrink-wrapped so I couldn't see in advance if it told me how to do the job. Back home, off with the shrink wrap and find the page that dealt with the rear screen washer pump. 'Changing the rear screen washer pump is easily done. The details depends on the model of pump fitted.'! I did write to Haynes and explain that this wasn't very helpful and did get a reply. Notwithstanding the lack of support from the Haynes manual I did manage to change the pump but can't remember how I did it at this distance in time.
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I remember one that gave detailed instructions for a small job on the fuel system. I went to Cafco for the part, they sent me to a main dealer, who kept me waiting but finally said "That part's now a flexible hose - I'll have to sell you half a metre and you won't want it all, but it's only 34p and it'll do you for next time as well - and it's much much easier to install"
--
Sue ];(:)

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How about this... A friend an I were trying to change the starter motor on his VW Golf, all was going according to plan, until we realised the Haynes manual omitted to mention that one of the bolts holding the starter motor, was also part of the engine mounting. Getting this (last) bolt out was a right pain in the arse, we found out why when the engine dropped about 2" (With me under it!!) when it finally came out!
Sparks...
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On the whole I've found Haynes manuals to be worth the money except the guide on installing Car Stereos/ICE, I bought many years ago. It basically advised you to have a mug of coffee or tea before you started any installation while reading the instructions supplied with your stereo (with an illustration of a cup of coffee - handy) and to save any magnets from ruined speakers to magnetise your screwdrivers in future. Apart from some pictures of a stereo installed in a Ford Fiesta, that was it! I was well skanked.
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On Thu, 24 Mar 2005 15:09:14 GMT, "mrcheerful

I used to have a Ford Escort mkIII with a 1300cc push rod (Overhead valve) engine, and this engine wasn't in the manual at all, and it also had a four speed gear box, which also wasn't featured.
In a later book, the 1100cc engine was featured, but this seemed to copied directly from the fiesta handbook.
The problem seems to be changes in the production run of a car, and Haynes manual's don't always pass on these updates or changes.
J
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On Fri, 25 Mar 2005 10:27:19 UTC, John_ZIZinvalid

Apropos of not very much - anyone else been to the museum?
--
Bob Eager
begin a new life...dump Windows!
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I had one with the OHC engine (I think - I should remember, it had a flexible timing belt, which is the invention of Stan, so I had the head off more than once. Mine certainly was in the book, but then it needed to be.
And it had hydraulic tappets, which were rather like wasps - harmless, but noisy and good for scaring the punter.
--
Sue ];(:)

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Sue wrote:

Now, what did Mr Laurel ever do to hurt you? ;-)
It's up there in the list of all-time classic typos, in the form "Get thee behind me, Stan"...
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