I have worked with Bob for more years than I care to remember, and have always b een there to cover up for his mistakes. Up until now my full role hasn't been ac knowledged, but I have recently discovered some scripts which were never filmed and show me in a much better light. Here is a part of one of them:
BOB'S CONSERVATORY NIGHTMARE.
TITLE SEQUENCE, MUSIC; "Bob the Builder (can we bodge it?) Bob the Builder ('cou rse we can!)" etc.
SCENE 1: Morning at Bob's yard, it is bright and sunny and the machines are all waking up. Bob bounces out of the house door carrying a bag.
BOB: Morning gang!
MACHINES: Morning Bob!
BOB: What a fine morning it is today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing...
(Bird coughs and falls off Roley's roof, thump onto the yard, no-one notices.)
BOB: ...and we've got a nice little earner lined up today!
DIZZY: Ooh! Ooh! What is it Bob? Can I come?
BOB: (laughs) Yes Dizzy, I'm going to need you and Scoop and Lofty today. We're going to build a conservatory for Mrs. Potts.
ROLEY: Awww Bob! What are Muck and I going to do?
BOB: Well Muck, I need you to fetch the parts for Mrs. Potts' conservatory from JJ at the builder's merchants and bring them to us, then you and Roley can deliver this pile of leaflets for me...
(pats bag)
...to every house in the town.
MUCK: Yeah! Great!
DIZZY: Errr... Bob?
BOB: Yes, Dizzy?
DIZZY: What are the leaflets for?
BOB: (laughs) There's no need for you to worry your pretty little head about that at the moment. Right gang, can we fix it?
MACHINES (except LOFTY): 'Course we can!
LOFTY: Err... no... not usually.
(MUSIC, scene change)
SCENE 2: BOB, DIZZY, SCOOP and LOFTY turn up at Mrs. Potts' house. Bob walks up the immaculately manicured garden path and knocks on the door. There's no answer.
BOB: That's strange, I'm sure we arranged with Mrs. Potts to come today.
SCOOP: Are we going to have to go home Bob?
BOB: No, it's ok, I know what we need to do - we're to put the conservatory on the back of the house.
SCOOP: But Bob, the back garden gate is locked and we can't get in!
BOB: No problem Scoop, remember, this is the fence we put up three weeks ago. There's a panel in the middle which is loose because we ran out of screws. Lofty can lift it out, and then there'll be room for everyone to get in.
LOFTY: Err... if you say so, Bob.
DIZZY: Yeah! Go Lofty, go!
(LOFTY nervously moves over to a shoddy-looking fence panel and incompentently lowers his grabber...)
LOFTY: Ooh! Errr... I dunno if I can do this!
SCOOP: Of course you can...
(LOFTY's wildly-swinging grabber knocks SCOOP's orange light sideways)
SCOOP: ...just BE CAREFUL with that tool of yours, eh?
LOFTY: Errr... yeah, sorry Scoop.
(LOFTY manages to grapple the shoddy fence panel and begins to lift)
LOFTY: Oooh! Ummph! It's a bit stiff, Bob.
BOB: It shouldn't be... unless...
(LOFTY's arm suddenly whips skyward holding the fence panel)
BOB: ...unless the loose panel was this one here...
(BOB taps the next panel along, and the whole row of panels falls over)
BOB: Dizzy, are you SURE you used the right mix for these fence posts?
DIZZY: I used five gravel, five sand, one pink plasticene, one cement, just as normal...
BOB: Oh well, we'll just have to prop them up again when we leave.
(The gang crowds into Mrs. Potts' back garden, driving straight over her neat annual borders and close-cropped astroturf lawn.)
MUSIC, Scene change...
SCENE 3: Builder's merchant.
(Muck careers into the yard, narrowly missing MOLLY who is sitting on an upturned flowerpot, braiding her hair.)
MOLLY: Oi! Muck! Watch where you're goin'! You nearly 'ad me legs off!
MUCK: (breathless) Sorry Molly, but I'm in a bit of a rush, you see Bob needs the parts for Mrs. Potts' conservatory and I've got to take them to him, but then I've got a special delivery to make and I want to get it all finished before tea time and... and...
(JJ comes out of his office)
JJ: Now then Muck, let's have less of this rush, and more of Bob's money.
(Unseen to JJ and unnoticed by MUCK, Molly begins tying ribbons to MUCK's tow hook.)
MUCK: Money? I've never seen Bob with any money.
JJ: Yeah, that's the problem. Look Muck, I'm awful sorry, but I can't let you have Mrs. Potts' conservatory unless Bob pays last month's bill first! He still owes me three grand for all them fence panels and sleepers, and I've STILL got ten gallon of Creosote here which he promised he could use.
MUCK: (crestfallen) Oh. (pause... then excitedly) Oh! Oh! I know! Why don't you call Wendy? I'm sure she'll know what to do.
JJ: Good idea, Muck.
(He walks into his office. MUCK by now has ten feet of ribbon trailling.)
SCENE 4: JJ's office.
(JJ picks up the phone and dials. He waits and waits...)
SCENE 5: BOB's office. The telephone is ringing and PILCHARD is covering up his ears. There is paper from the fax machine all over the floor, and a big pile of letters behind the door. Someone is trying to open the door, but is having difficulty because of the letters.
(WENDY eventually forces her way in and trips over PILCHARD, dropping the half-dozen carrier bags she was carrying into a heap on the already overcrowded floor.)
WENDY: Oh BOTHER!
(she scrambles over to the telephone and picks it up)
WENDY: (breathless) Hello? Bob's building yard?
(split screen, JJ and WENDY on telephones. Wendy is fending off PILCHARD who seems a bit hungry)
JJ: Aah. At last. I'm glad you're there Wendy. It's JJ. I've got Muck here to collect Mrs. Potts' conservatory, but I really can't let him have it until you pay last month's bill.
WENDY: Oh JJ, I'm so sorry, it must have slipped my mind. I'll pop over straight away. Will a cheque be ok?
JJ: Hmmm... well, after the last three bounced I'm going to have to wait for it to clear before I let you have the conservatory, but yes, ok.
SCENE 6: Mrs. Potts' back garden. SCOOP is busily digging out trenches and dumping the spoil on the flowerbeds. LOFTY is helping BOB remove the patio doors. DIZZY is dancing about with her headphones on.
BOB's telephone rings. He answers it. LOFTY is left with a patio door swinging from his grabber.
BOB: Hello? Bob the Builder.
WENDY: Hello Bob. I'm afraid there's a problem with the conservatory.
BOB: Oh dear! What's the problem?
WENDY: JJ is refusing to let us have it until the cheque for the fence panels and sleepers has cleared, and that's going to be three days at least.
BOB: Oh no! We're nearly ready for the conservatory now... (looks at watch) ...but it's half past two so I suppose if we just pour the concrete it'll be time to go home anyway. Ok Wendy, thanks for letting me know.
Closes phone.
SCOOP: Is there a problem Bob?
BOB: No, not really. JJ won't let Muck bring us the conservatory so we're going to knock off early today. We'll just get these foundations finished. How are you doing?
SCOOP: I've dug six inches just like you said, Bob. The corner's not quite square, but it'll do.
(Focus on something which looks like it should be 90 degrees but is actually closer to 75. The trenches are a bit wavy too.)
BOB: Great. (Calling) Dizzy! (DIZZY still dances) (Louder) DIZZY! (Still nothing)
SCOOP: Hang on Bob.
SCOOP trundles over to DIZZY and clonks her on her head with his front scoop. Her headphones fall off.
DIZZY: Wotcha Scoop! Why'd ya do that?
BOB: We're ready for the foundations now, Dizzy. Are you sure you've got the mix right this time?
DIZZY: Yeah, five gravel, five sand, five flour, one salt, one cement and half a bottle of pink food dye.
BOB: You're getting more creative Dizzy, I like that! Ok, get pouring!
SCOOP and BOB stand and watch while copious amounts of pink goo tip from DIZZY's TARDIS-like mixer into the inexpertly dug trenches. LOFTY is teetering around t he garden with the patio door swinging wildly from his grabber. The others ignore him.
LOFTY: Errr... Bob?
No reaction.
LOFTY: Errr... B... B... Bob? ... ... BOB!!!???!!!
Bob looks up at last.
BOB: Ooh careful, Lofty, we still need that! We've got to put it back tonight since we can't put the conservatory up.
LOFTY: Oh, ok Bob...
Suddenly a mouse appears from beneath a tree in the garden.
LOFTY: AARRRGHH!!! A MOUSE!!!!
He backs away suddenly, reversing into a garden shed which collapses. The patio door in his grabber swings more and more wildly and finally strikes up a very close relationship with the previously mentioned tree. LOFTY tugs at it, succeeds in ripping it (and several branches) free, but it catapults into the air and comes crashing down right in the middle of the conservatory outline. The glass in the patio door crazes and falls out.
Stunned silence.
BOB: Oh well, it's a warm night. Let's go home. Scoop, can you collect up the glass in your front scoop?
Trampling yet more flower beds on their way out, they leave without any further ado.
TO BE CONTINUED...