How to be a REAL MAN

Are you Joe Homeowner, trying to be Mister Handyman DIY family guy, while six children are screaming beneath your feet, the dog is barking non-stop, and your bitchy wife is cussing you out because you didn't take out the garbage, mow the lawn, unplug the toilet, change diapers, feed the dog, and fix the broken latch on the kitchen cabinet under the sink?
Isn't it time YOU become a REAL MAN ? ? ? ? ?
You CAN do it. But to be a REAL MAN, you got to be a BIG MAN.
(Remember, think BIG..... that's *B*I*G*. Smallness is the #1 cause of impotence. You MUST think and act BIG at all times. Big is good, Bigger is better, and Biggest is best.)
Here's how I did it - (and it WORKS):
To be a REAL MAN, you need the following:
#1. A BIG Stetson cowboy hat must be worn on your head at all times. It makes your head look bigger, and bigness brings respect. With your new "Big Head", your wife will no longer treat you like a slave, she'll be YOUR slave.
#2. Always wear a BIG Stanley Powerlock Tape Measure, steel ruler on your belt. You never know when you might have to prove how many inches you have.
#3. Always carry a BIG Craftsman hammer (at least 20oz) with you at all times.
#4. Make sure you have a BIG manly cock, being sure to keep it firm muscular, and ready for action at all times. (Viagra optional).
#5. No REAL MAN is ever without a BIG gun. Always carry a BIG Smith & Wesson pistol on your belt holster, and have a BIG Smith & Wesson rifle in your car at all times. You never know when you may have to shoot a reckless driver while you help an old lady cross a muddy road, or shoot a mouse under your kitchen sink.
There you have it. Once you have these five things, you are a *REAL MAN* (Bull Horns on the hood of your Cadillac or Pickup Truck are optional).
If some tough looking dude walks up to you on the street and with a gravely voice says something to piss you off, just say this:
I got a BIG Stetson cowboy hat, a BIG Stanley tape measure, a BIG Craftsman hammer, a BIG manly cock, and a BIG Smith & Wesson gun. You've already seen the hat, which would you like to see next?
If he asks to see #2, #3 or #5, show it to him and he'll instantly show you respect, knowing that you're a REAL MAN. If he asks to see your #4, quickly show it to him, and if he reaches for it, firmly grasp your #5 and shoot him, because he's GAY.....
(Of course, if you're #4 manhood grows at least an inch longer when he reaches for it (use your tape measure to find out), then YOU'RE GAY. In that case, enjoy his company, and dispose of your #1, #2, #3, and #5, because you'll never be a REAL MAN....)
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