A 22-year-old college student in Rhode Island learned the hard way that, while you can get away with a lot of dumb drunken shit in college, what you absolutely cannot do is defy basic physics and do something like run through an eight-inch wide alley. For reasons that escape even her, Courtney Malloy attempted just such a feat and, of course, got stuck.
The Providence fire department was called to the scene after witnesses heard her yelling for help.
"She was completely shaking and panicking and out of shape," witness David Boutros, who owns a nearby bar, told the station. "She was panicking, she looked like she had a few alcohol? She didn't know what to do. She was stuck between two buildings. She was trapped and she was breathing heavy."
Apparently, not only was she stuck in the alley, she was stuck in the alley over two feet off the ground.
"It appears she was trying to make her way through the alley, and it got too tight for her," acting Battalion Chief Jeffrey Varone told NBC-10 News. "She kept trying to get her way in, and she wedged herself in, about 24 inches off the ground in a horizontal position, and she was unable to move."
Because of the whole "24 inches off the ground" part, firefighters initially thought she'd fallen from one of the rooftops but no, it was just pure drunken determination that got her there.
Rescuers had to remove a fence and bash in part of the alley's concrete walls to free her, a process that took over an hour.
When reached for comment, Malloy said: "But you know what I learned from this? Nothing. I learned nothing. It's just something that happened (and it just so happens that it happened to me). Life is crazy. But I already knew that last Thursday, and so did you."
Wait, nevermind, that was someone else. Malloy told WPRI that she was trying out a shortcut and that's how she became stuck.
Despite the embarrassment and probable hangover, Malloy was fine and back at work the next day.